Monday Monday!

The previous 2 Monday evenings have totally rocked my world,Monday 3 May I admitted to my wife that i was in love with another woman and had acted inappropriately with a married woman. On May 10, also a Monday I was told by my new love that she was contemplating giving her marriage another try and thus leaving me to fly solo. After having set in my mind that i will divorce my wife and try to work on a long distance time and mileage tested relationship with my new love. Well this past Monday eve really rocked my world and sent me into a tumble for which i don't know if a recovery is happening anytime soon! I was hurt, devastated and relieved all at the same time, I was hurt for the obvious losses i incurred and relieved that my love was trying to do the right thing with her family and give her man a chance to change his ways. Move to today i feel so desperate and helpless in my efforts to move on and move along emotionally in my life. ?With an impending divorce from my Terria and a future that looks bleak a lonely, I only see the freedoms to be with anybody i want , whenever i want, but this Isn't what I want, or need as a 47 year old failed man . I need substance in my life ,i need love and passion and the drive to come home after work and be rejuvenated by open arms and loving eyes the way I imagine my girl to be! But reality sets in and i look to the future in my head and see a bleak existence of date nights and sleepovers of meaningless sexual encounter all void of love and passion just Physicality similar to that of 2 dogs in the alley way. My Terria says she will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself for putting her emotions on hold and forgetting the vows i took on June 30 2001. I could not go from passionate bliss and building a future to a forgiving and hurting heart, always feeling like I owed her something for my ugliness and bad choices. Yet i love my terria and despise myself so much that i cannot put her thru a doubtful minute on my behalf ever again. If i go back to Terria it means that i have lost at my goal and if I went back because that goal was not fulfilled and i can't do that as a human being and a man of self respect who has hurt the woman i chose to spend the rest of my life with, i won't cloud her life with pains and doubt anymore and walk away as a mans man who will admit to his mistakes and take ownership of the fact that he is an imperfect person with many flaws and many long journeys ahead of him! I am in fact a broken man who can fix himself up as good as new, my newness is not any good anymore and my thoughts and heart are so conflicted with what i was, what i am and what i will become. I don't even have the strength to write here anymore and this took every ounce of strength I could beg ,borrow and steal to achieve my goal, to spill my guts, instead of throwing up. Goodbye!

"Eyeballs"

Windows to the soul and heart
never lie just re-direct me
I put myself and my trust
in those eyes to see me through

when you say "I can read your eyes"
you really could,
my open book heart, arms and eyes
always opened for you,always wider each time we met

So I sent myself through my eyes
gave myself to your soul
you took me in and held me tight
and read my book and laughed aloud

you gave me hope and joy
I left behind my seemingly perfect life
the picket fence and adoring wife
My empty house will never forgive me

In this mirror i look
I see your reflection in every direction
A hotel room off Richards street
of passion and a missing beat

My world in detour
my heart is mended
my thoughts and goals
put me on top again

My responsibilities are over
my pains and struggles of hiding are done
When the sun shines on me tomorrow
a man , a restaurant and dinner for one

So i commend you on your re-unification
saw it coming and prepared myself
to not be hurt ,to be happy for you
I'm strong enough to be alone

today is a venture into the known
been here before
know the score
zeros on the board forevermore

Valarie I will always care about you
I will always look at your eyes and wonder
when you roll over each morning
will the eyes that look at you LOVE like I did

I am Constant

My music playing from my Blackberry Music box on my table next to my computer, each song has a meaning to me, each handpicked and has a hidden meaning to me and from every directions the memories of a drive, of a game of a moment in time when things were more simple and innocent. I might skip a son for its painful reminders of a walk, or a store and the thoughts of little boys asking fr ice cream, yeah remiscing can at times be the best and the wors of times for us who leave behind our past to seek out futures that we imagine to be bigger, better and brighter. I look forward to the days ahead, for they will provide the light to a darkened path of reality and show me the way to tomorrow, with each passing stride I gather up and close the distance to the answers to every question I have ever asked and will never find the answers to. Tomorrow brings yesterday in the rear view and allows me to seek, find and carry the torch from myburning heart and light the fires that glow inside of me tonight. For I have loved and lost, wept and overcome, sought out common valor and won my purple heart on my roads to a utopian finale. For i am a man who never forgets where he has been, where he is at or were the road maps of the heart will either take him or push him from a moving vehicle, there is power in the knowledge of my past, there is humor in the reminders of my present and there are battles yet fought i the playgrounds in my soul

in the mirror today

I feel the total weight of the world on my soul right now, i have created a life by taking a life and turning the Globe on its edge. My heart is hurting for it has created hurt, my mouth is dry as it has sucked the wind from anothers lungs and my eyes are red and they bludgeoned the heart, the gut and a soulful mind of its ability to feel like doing much today. I can cry my last tear and feel the gut wrenching pull of hurting my girl and feeling the pains two-fold in my body today. My family is behind me, my mind is in front of my traffic filled mind, and yet i sit here at a lifeless desk and write my true confessions of hurtful act on a special person and try to move along to greener pastures knowing the grass is dying behind me, so I look back in anger, in wonderment at the falling leaves and the changing tides and weather climates ahead of me. there are no forecasts but gloomy , there isno sunshine when eyes are tear-filled with sorrow. That my life comes with no guarantees and warranty cards, but the ability to move along and try to convince myself that i am worthy of anything but a kick in the dick. today is a bad day for me indeed, i hurt , i feel and i breath the last breathe of goodness from a world where goodness seemingly was supposed to thrive. so i will continue to kick myself until it hurts and I get myself where i need to be, time, opportunity and the pursuit of righteousness may pass me by, but the pains of today are here and strong. I am my own worst critic and yet I can somehow find time in my day for love and smiles while its raining on the other side of my heart. (Valarie, this is just Greg exposing himself and his greatest weakness in life, my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and my fear to expose them to the world)

Hurt

My heart is heavy today
Of broken rock
stacked pillars
from my journeys

My bag is full of parts
broken, tattered and dingy
my world has lost its axis
free wobbling and out of sequence

Time will not be kind
around every turn i see the faces
looking at me for answers
I see no light, i hear no questions

my heart is pumping with anger
free flowing hurt and of mistakes unfounded
tonight a bitter pill i swallow
not my bed but my Lazy boy

my cartoon girl from yesterday
will i miss,
or cease to exsist
while today is upon me now

So I pull the plug on a rebirth and chance
to find my way again
first steps in life are always rough
following my path of previous failures

My daggers edge has pierced the soul
not only mine but many more
my thoughts and dreams forevermore
my selfish act of closing doors

I pray to God to grant me faith
for daily strength and peace at heart
when the bleeding stops will i be there
divisive hearts that have grown apart

So Help Me God

Times like this, past midnight, can't sleep , don't want to sleep, couldn't if I really needed to! So much on my mind right now, so much depth and resourcefulness in my heart and still I can't close my eyes and end the day. My everyday is another day closer to my dreams, my yesterday another lost opportunity that reality has kicked me in the back of the head as the constant reminder. I read the writings, I see the pictures and I feel the warmth, and yet at times feel the losses of something I don't yet have, don't yet know how to miss them, yet I miss it so much it hurts me so! My sensitivities have always been my nemesis if not my strengths, my open heart, open arms and opens wounds serve me well and serve me often, reminders of where I've been, where I'm at, and where I want to be! My ability to wait for things to happen is nil, my patience is a foreigner in a strange land and all that I know ends up in the heart and in the soul of my comprehension. My heart has been devastated at times, been repaired, been trampled on again and been repaired again,but the scars and pains have been a learning tool, and absence of pain makes the joys of pleasure less victorious. I'm at a place right now where I am taken back, really look into the mirror and am not afraid of what I see, and for the first time in my life feel a lifted burden of responsibility, a freedom from the turmoils of wars on foreign turf and my heart has adapted to its workouts with a strength and a knowledge of that all wars end in peace. I don't surrender, I won't succumb, For the first time in my life I can embrace my fortune, my understanding of my personal role in this world and take my shot at the world as I've never viewed it before. It has always been through the trees of other expectations and through the eyes of well wishers in a wishing well of cloudy days and rainless nights, but the anticipatory uneasiness of never knowing what in fact my own decisions, based on me, my needs , my broken pieces and my chosen fixes. . My personal inbox is empty, my outgoing flow is always that...outgoing and free flying to destinations that pay no winners and imprison lost souls to be doomed by their own compassion. When I say I don't ever wanna be be that guy, that person who forever reaches out and gives so much and while doing so had his pockets of sanity pilfered and returned in tattered condition only to be refurbished and repeat the same vicious cycle over and over again. I found my Gold, I found my home and I found my peace . where my heart will be massaged, my world will revolve on a dual axis and I won't ever have to look back to make sure the stragglers will catch up and contribute to my sanity. So as I peer over the fence and see the green grass, my life ,my loves will either reward me with riches or send me back to the drawing board and do it all over again, but whatever comes of me, this last train has left the station and there are no more ways to paradise, and my voyage I pray is the best trip I will ever make. God has blessed me with greatness, of family, of friends and of love , love which goes far beyond my previous journeys through the Abyss. So help me God. I am now tired and have officially unloaded my chamber of any burdens, doubts or inconclusive decisions to move forward . So I can now go close my eyes! Goodnite and good morning Sweetpea

I'm Full

My Friend Brad Holland once told me after I was expressing trepidations about whatever, complained about something, somebody , he bluntly put it like this. "Greg ,you are the guy in the buffet line who is so full yet wants to go back for more, the plate is full of food and the juices are flowing over the plate. Yet you seek out more than you need, more than you have and More, more ,more!!!" Life is good for me and has dealt me a full plate of goodness and a life of comforts and joys and things that many people don't have. Always being as appreciative as i can and being thankful for all that come across my path that have made a difference. My plate is forever full, my gut is forever aching with the greedy fullness that only i can comprehend! I have taken the fullness to newer heights and have far exceeded my mental capacity at times to savor the flavor and to solve life's puzzle sitting in front of me .Knowing that the puzzles pieces may or may not fit properly, or fit at all. i have endured the task of being the pillar of strength , being the eternal rock of stability and always being the kind and gentle soul who would give a man break and listen to that story and be the one to reach out and pull a person out of the hole. I will forever be that guy and forever be that soul who always seems to care , when not caring would be the healthier ,easier way to go about it. Yet i catch myself in the mental quandary of caring too much, versus not caring enough, for self and other but nonetheless still put myself in the unenviable position of seeking out my dreams, versus the dreams expected from my past doings, my future has somehow been determined by the deeds of yesterday and may have hindered my path to new and different aspects of life and living as a man, as a person and as a human being who loves and cares about people. Caring so much and being so much to many I have determined to myself that being selfish isn't always a bad thing and being demanding and commanding of ones' life and happiness cant be a bad thing, yet i care and i feel for others and do not ever want to purposely trample on ones emotions or heartfelt feelings. sometimes life doesn't play by the rules, even though i try, i fail miserably and must confess that i don't always stay within the confines of the rule books, I am human and am full of good things and bad, trying always to do the right thing and be the right person for everyone. i have come to the conclusion that i must unload my burdens and allow my conscience to be my guide, wheres my rock, and wheres my pillar in the grand scheme of things? i can only hope that the rock i just threw , and the support pillars i just kicked out from under me are the ones i will never have to use again and feel the freedom of expeditionary bliss to one day say" anything i own, is my own , anything i create is my own , and anything I fuck up is my own fault. so I need to empty my plate and lighten up my load and feel the joys that are an empty plate, to re load and restock at my own pace, never worrying about the overflow of good, bad or indifferent. Maybe my selfish soul has taken over and maybe my plate was dropped and broken into pieces, and my dreams shattered into shards of ceramic disillusionment and the fixes are not so quick, and not so dramatic that i have to mend and bond it again right this moment. So i get a new plate and add and portion my life in a manner that makes me able to deal, to appreciate and to savor the flavors of life, life's' goodness and the by the graces of God allow me to do the right things ,in the right time and find that missing puzzle piece so that i may frame it and hang it on the wall. So as I champion this Renaissance i can always know that my Failures, my victories, my fears and my tears will be my own and my solutions will not be far behind. God has blessed me with the mind, heart and soul, now i seek out and hope to do the right thing!