Hurry up! my Impatience is Waiting!

Running alone in the street, i see the lights at the end of the road and the sun still rising from the east. The world where I live has become even smaller , even more isolated than ever before, I'm fly solo again in the hopes to land in a friendly land and on a smooth landing strip. But the winds of change have not been kind to me, My surprise and shock have enlightened me , and even made a once optimistic person look the other way for there is hope, but in the hands of another. When my world becomes dependant upon anything other than my own rotation and orbital bliss, i worry, when the days seems so much shorter, I cringe, and when the happiness I once held so deeply in my hands has sifted through my hands like sands through an open fist,I cry again. My fear and my tears are real, my pains and emptiness are the same I felt before and I know where my life will take me ,but nobody knows where I am and what i am capable of doing with my broken heart and broken parts again. My bag is full again, my heart is empty again, my words and actions are constant reminders that I am not what I thought I was, and am not all that I could have been. There will be drastic changes for me, another day another week, a month or two but after I vanish into the night ,into the cold and forever questioned and never truly understood. i have n rock, I have no pillars, to provide or to use anymore. I place my thoughts and my desires on a island, for they are unobtainable and distant, my refuge will be myself, for there are no wrong answers but my own, there will never be another heartbreak, another responsibility and hurdle to clear, unless i put it there. I am at peace with my decisions, i am my own Rock when I need to be and I will thrive and not just survive in my new place and my new world where Greg is the Judge, Jury and executioner. So I say Goodbye to the world I knew,and say hello to the tranquil sea, the winds will blow and the sun will shine and i see my life in a different light from today forward. Take my strengths and my mind and put it all together for the rest of my life for that solo flight which may never come down

My weakest hour

Another day passes me by and i feel the world slipping further away from me. The level of internal and external disappointment is flooding my entire body and overcomes me with a heaviness that I've never felt before. Everything that I once held so high, strong and proud are now my weakest points , my pride, dignity and scrupulous ways have been washed away from me and replaced with fear, hatred and a sense of abandonment. The struggle to do what is right has escaped me months ago, now that I'm in the fight of my life for a relationship with my girl, my life and my Savior, who will win and who will fight the good fight at this point. I'm beaten but not defeated, my heavy heart and cluttered brain are mere reminders of the damage that i left behind and i trudgingly move forward to a new day with a better result. As I wake up each morning i expect to shake the sleep from my eyes, the realities from being real and wake up from this and have my nightmarish existence be that, just a bad dream . But I wake up and it is a bad reality of tattered lives, broken promises and bleeding hearts strewn along the highway. It is a day like today when i realize I should be on a plane to a place where open arms await me and dreams of getting it right consume me, but it Isn't, its my dream, its my reality its my fuck ups that make this day another long day in the realms of Greg being Greg. My numb hands are cold, my heavy heart is even colder than that and my aching mind has put itself in a timeout for sensory overload of fried wires and broken connections ,and the biggest disconnect of all is my lack of control over my life. For the first time ever, i am vulnerable , i am Numb, i am a shadow of the man I once was, when the daily grind was a cup of coffee to me, now it has become so much more complicated because i have made it that way for myself. Yes, today is here and it is rough, tomorrow will bring more of the same and until the day I can look people in the eye and tell them I hurt , I feel, I care and bleed right along side all those i have affected, I shoulder the burden and take life's' pink slip with me on a daily basis in the efforts to become a better human being.

There was a brief moment where i lost all perspective in my life , spirituality and my coherent sensibility, My Christianity was in question , not only by others but by my own hands and doing. the other day I threw my Bible in the trash, nestled softly on top of my waste basket it sat there and mocked me like i had mocked its goodness and love to do what is expected of me, what is right and what a good christian should have done. But for a fleeting moment I blamed God for making me weak and blamed him for making me hurt people around me, So in my weakest point ever ,I discarded the word that helped me back to health, life and prosperity. This in fact was my weakest moment ever to date,so i had hit the bottom of the well and has started my Ascension to the top again. I prayed for forgiveness to my God for defiling his words and prayed to God to help and heal all those my life continually brings pains to. For all the families, and people I have touched be it good or bad, i have prayed long and hard a good result, not for me but for the people who deserve it the most, May God help us all in our quest to understand, overcome and flourish against our demons, i Love so many but hate myself and my lord is putting me on the rack immediately and fixing and re-tuning the broken motors and frayed wires of Greg Duran

Monday Monday!

The previous 2 Monday evenings have totally rocked my world,Monday 3 May I admitted to my wife that i was in love with another woman and had acted inappropriately with a married woman. On May 10, also a Monday I was told by my new love that she was contemplating giving her marriage another try and thus leaving me to fly solo. After having set in my mind that i will divorce my wife and try to work on a long distance time and mileage tested relationship with my new love. Well this past Monday eve really rocked my world and sent me into a tumble for which i don't know if a recovery is happening anytime soon! I was hurt, devastated and relieved all at the same time, I was hurt for the obvious losses i incurred and relieved that my love was trying to do the right thing with her family and give her man a chance to change his ways. Move to today i feel so desperate and helpless in my efforts to move on and move along emotionally in my life. ?With an impending divorce from my Terria and a future that looks bleak a lonely, I only see the freedoms to be with anybody i want , whenever i want, but this Isn't what I want, or need as a 47 year old failed man . I need substance in my life ,i need love and passion and the drive to come home after work and be rejuvenated by open arms and loving eyes the way I imagine my girl to be! But reality sets in and i look to the future in my head and see a bleak existence of date nights and sleepovers of meaningless sexual encounter all void of love and passion just Physicality similar to that of 2 dogs in the alley way. My Terria says she will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself for putting her emotions on hold and forgetting the vows i took on June 30 2001. I could not go from passionate bliss and building a future to a forgiving and hurting heart, always feeling like I owed her something for my ugliness and bad choices. Yet i love my terria and despise myself so much that i cannot put her thru a doubtful minute on my behalf ever again. If i go back to Terria it means that i have lost at my goal and if I went back because that goal was not fulfilled and i can't do that as a human being and a man of self respect who has hurt the woman i chose to spend the rest of my life with, i won't cloud her life with pains and doubt anymore and walk away as a mans man who will admit to his mistakes and take ownership of the fact that he is an imperfect person with many flaws and many long journeys ahead of him! I am in fact a broken man who can fix himself up as good as new, my newness is not any good anymore and my thoughts and heart are so conflicted with what i was, what i am and what i will become. I don't even have the strength to write here anymore and this took every ounce of strength I could beg ,borrow and steal to achieve my goal, to spill my guts, instead of throwing up. Goodbye!

"Eyeballs"

Windows to the soul and heart
never lie just re-direct me
I put myself and my trust
in those eyes to see me through

when you say "I can read your eyes"
you really could,
my open book heart, arms and eyes
always opened for you,always wider each time we met

So I sent myself through my eyes
gave myself to your soul
you took me in and held me tight
and read my book and laughed aloud

you gave me hope and joy
I left behind my seemingly perfect life
the picket fence and adoring wife
My empty house will never forgive me

In this mirror i look
I see your reflection in every direction
A hotel room off Richards street
of passion and a missing beat

My world in detour
my heart is mended
my thoughts and goals
put me on top again

My responsibilities are over
my pains and struggles of hiding are done
When the sun shines on me tomorrow
a man , a restaurant and dinner for one

So i commend you on your re-unification
saw it coming and prepared myself
to not be hurt ,to be happy for you
I'm strong enough to be alone

today is a venture into the known
been here before
know the score
zeros on the board forevermore

Valarie I will always care about you
I will always look at your eyes and wonder
when you roll over each morning
will the eyes that look at you LOVE like I did

I am Constant

My music playing from my Blackberry Music box on my table next to my computer, each song has a meaning to me, each handpicked and has a hidden meaning to me and from every directions the memories of a drive, of a game of a moment in time when things were more simple and innocent. I might skip a son for its painful reminders of a walk, or a store and the thoughts of little boys asking fr ice cream, yeah remiscing can at times be the best and the wors of times for us who leave behind our past to seek out futures that we imagine to be bigger, better and brighter. I look forward to the days ahead, for they will provide the light to a darkened path of reality and show me the way to tomorrow, with each passing stride I gather up and close the distance to the answers to every question I have ever asked and will never find the answers to. Tomorrow brings yesterday in the rear view and allows me to seek, find and carry the torch from myburning heart and light the fires that glow inside of me tonight. For I have loved and lost, wept and overcome, sought out common valor and won my purple heart on my roads to a utopian finale. For i am a man who never forgets where he has been, where he is at or were the road maps of the heart will either take him or push him from a moving vehicle, there is power in the knowledge of my past, there is humor in the reminders of my present and there are battles yet fought i the playgrounds in my soul

in the mirror today

I feel the total weight of the world on my soul right now, i have created a life by taking a life and turning the Globe on its edge. My heart is hurting for it has created hurt, my mouth is dry as it has sucked the wind from anothers lungs and my eyes are red and they bludgeoned the heart, the gut and a soulful mind of its ability to feel like doing much today. I can cry my last tear and feel the gut wrenching pull of hurting my girl and feeling the pains two-fold in my body today. My family is behind me, my mind is in front of my traffic filled mind, and yet i sit here at a lifeless desk and write my true confessions of hurtful act on a special person and try to move along to greener pastures knowing the grass is dying behind me, so I look back in anger, in wonderment at the falling leaves and the changing tides and weather climates ahead of me. there are no forecasts but gloomy , there isno sunshine when eyes are tear-filled with sorrow. That my life comes with no guarantees and warranty cards, but the ability to move along and try to convince myself that i am worthy of anything but a kick in the dick. today is a bad day for me indeed, i hurt , i feel and i breath the last breathe of goodness from a world where goodness seemingly was supposed to thrive. so i will continue to kick myself until it hurts and I get myself where i need to be, time, opportunity and the pursuit of righteousness may pass me by, but the pains of today are here and strong. I am my own worst critic and yet I can somehow find time in my day for love and smiles while its raining on the other side of my heart. (Valarie, this is just Greg exposing himself and his greatest weakness in life, my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and my fear to expose them to the world)

Hurt

My heart is heavy today
Of broken rock
stacked pillars
from my journeys

My bag is full of parts
broken, tattered and dingy
my world has lost its axis
free wobbling and out of sequence

Time will not be kind
around every turn i see the faces
looking at me for answers
I see no light, i hear no questions

my heart is pumping with anger
free flowing hurt and of mistakes unfounded
tonight a bitter pill i swallow
not my bed but my Lazy boy

my cartoon girl from yesterday
will i miss,
or cease to exsist
while today is upon me now

So I pull the plug on a rebirth and chance
to find my way again
first steps in life are always rough
following my path of previous failures

My daggers edge has pierced the soul
not only mine but many more
my thoughts and dreams forevermore
my selfish act of closing doors

I pray to God to grant me faith
for daily strength and peace at heart
when the bleeding stops will i be there
divisive hearts that have grown apart