Another day passes me by and i feel the world slipping further away from me. The level of internal and external disappointment is flooding my entire body and overcomes me with a heaviness that I've never felt before. Everything that I once held so high, strong and proud are now my weakest points , my pride, dignity and scrupulous ways have been washed away from me and replaced with fear, hatred and a sense of abandonment. The struggle to do what is right has escaped me months ago, now that I'm in the fight of my life for a relationship with my girl, my life and my Savior, who will win and who will fight the good fight at this point. I'm beaten but not defeated, my heavy heart and cluttered brain are mere reminders of the damage that i left behind and i trudgingly move forward to a new day with a better result. As I wake up each morning i expect to shake the sleep from my eyes, the realities from being real and wake up from this and have my nightmarish existence be that, just a bad dream . But I wake up and it is a bad reality of tattered lives, broken promises and bleeding hearts strewn along the highway. It is a day like today when i realize I should be on a plane to a place where open arms await me and dreams of getting it right consume me, but it Isn't, its my dream, its my reality its my fuck ups that make this day another long day in the realms of Greg being Greg. My numb hands are cold, my heavy heart is even colder than that and my aching mind has put itself in a timeout for sensory overload of fried wires and broken connections ,and the biggest disconnect of all is my lack of control over my life. For the first time ever, i am vulnerable , i am Numb, i am a shadow of the man I once was, when the daily grind was a cup of coffee to me, now it has become so much more complicated because i have made it that way for myself. Yes, today is here and it is rough, tomorrow will bring more of the same and until the day I can look people in the eye and tell them I hurt , I feel, I care and bleed right along side all those i have affected, I shoulder the burden and take life's' pink slip with me on a daily basis in the efforts to become a better human being.
There was a brief moment where i lost all perspective in my life , spirituality and my coherent sensibility, My Christianity was in question , not only by others but by my own hands and doing. the other day I threw my Bible in the trash, nestled softly on top of my waste basket it sat there and mocked me like i had mocked its goodness and love to do what is expected of me, what is right and what a good christian should have done. But for a fleeting moment I blamed God for making me weak and blamed him for making me hurt people around me, So in my weakest point ever ,I discarded the word that helped me back to health, life and prosperity. This in fact was my weakest moment ever to date,so i had hit the bottom of the well and has started my Ascension to the top again. I prayed for forgiveness to my God for defiling his words and prayed to God to help and heal all those my life continually brings pains to. For all the families, and people I have touched be it good or bad, i have prayed long and hard a good result, not for me but for the people who deserve it the most, May God help us all in our quest to understand, overcome and flourish against our demons, i Love so many but hate myself and my lord is putting me on the rack immediately and fixing and re-tuning the broken motors and frayed wires of Greg Duran
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