Monday Monday!

The previous 2 Monday evenings have totally rocked my world,Monday 3 May I admitted to my wife that i was in love with another woman and had acted inappropriately with a married woman. On May 10, also a Monday I was told by my new love that she was contemplating giving her marriage another try and thus leaving me to fly solo. After having set in my mind that i will divorce my wife and try to work on a long distance time and mileage tested relationship with my new love. Well this past Monday eve really rocked my world and sent me into a tumble for which i don't know if a recovery is happening anytime soon! I was hurt, devastated and relieved all at the same time, I was hurt for the obvious losses i incurred and relieved that my love was trying to do the right thing with her family and give her man a chance to change his ways. Move to today i feel so desperate and helpless in my efforts to move on and move along emotionally in my life. ?With an impending divorce from my Terria and a future that looks bleak a lonely, I only see the freedoms to be with anybody i want , whenever i want, but this Isn't what I want, or need as a 47 year old failed man . I need substance in my life ,i need love and passion and the drive to come home after work and be rejuvenated by open arms and loving eyes the way I imagine my girl to be! But reality sets in and i look to the future in my head and see a bleak existence of date nights and sleepovers of meaningless sexual encounter all void of love and passion just Physicality similar to that of 2 dogs in the alley way. My Terria says she will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself for putting her emotions on hold and forgetting the vows i took on June 30 2001. I could not go from passionate bliss and building a future to a forgiving and hurting heart, always feeling like I owed her something for my ugliness and bad choices. Yet i love my terria and despise myself so much that i cannot put her thru a doubtful minute on my behalf ever again. If i go back to Terria it means that i have lost at my goal and if I went back because that goal was not fulfilled and i can't do that as a human being and a man of self respect who has hurt the woman i chose to spend the rest of my life with, i won't cloud her life with pains and doubt anymore and walk away as a mans man who will admit to his mistakes and take ownership of the fact that he is an imperfect person with many flaws and many long journeys ahead of him! I am in fact a broken man who can fix himself up as good as new, my newness is not any good anymore and my thoughts and heart are so conflicted with what i was, what i am and what i will become. I don't even have the strength to write here anymore and this took every ounce of strength I could beg ,borrow and steal to achieve my goal, to spill my guts, instead of throwing up. Goodbye!