My Home, My Heart , My mind!

I do so much communicating throughout a given day, i speak, I write and I listen to everything around me, gathering in all pertinent information and act accordingly. The one constant in my life is my ability to communicate clearly, how I feel, what i feel and, how I go about getting there. As my life has essentially returned to normalcy and everyday has become guilt free and goal driven again, I can exhale and breathe in a new life of solidarity to my Wife , my family and the few friends that i have. The Facebook and Twitter farce are long gone and seemed to be a temporary distractor and waste of time when I could be doing this, writing , to myself, for myself and by myself. i have never been one to conform or play by the rules and have never been one to adore the fact of being adored or wanted, i beat to my own drum set and will forever be judged by this standard of being so very different. My heart has been in so many places lately, asking for forgiveness and asking myself so many questions for the drama that i helped create is behind me now and i can rebuild the real Greg and the real portion of my life that i truly adored about myself. the fact that Greg Duran was always a Virtuous man who abided by Gods rules and the golden rule to be respectful of all around him, yet I was never slow to "Kick somebody in the dick" when necessary and give the wrath of reality to anybody who lacked it at any given time. what you see is what you got with the G man ,and slipping away from that person has troubled me so much. So i return to scene of the crime, that deep deep mind and soul of mine, to try to find that lost soul where goodness was the main ingredient. Having my nightly 2 hour Conversation with Terria has really given me an idea of where I've been and where i need to return back to. My momentary lapse in judgement was in fact that ticking time bomb in my soul that has always brewed ever so close to the surface, as each day passes and each conversation flows through me like the rivers waters, i see the clarity of a healed soul around the next bend, i feel the power of my God tapping me on my shoulder and telling me to Stop killing myself with guilt and hatred towards myself! My losses in life are in fact my gains, my bleeding conscience is in fact my healing soul and my tears of sorrow are a cleansing that only i can understand of myself. As i spoke with my wife last night i explained to her that i will no longer apologize for my acts, I will act upon my mistakes with remedies to the future and solutions to fix the broken man that once was so powerful with love and joy and can now return to the scene of the triumphant joys that have embraced his incredible life. Greg Duran is a blessed man who at times is selfish and arrogant,aloof and feels way to good about himself, yet always grounded and always concerned about others and somehow can realize that I am mortal, i make mistakes ands I bleed red blood like the rest of the world. When i cry for myself I cry twice for others , when i die of anger i get angry for everybody Else, the world is my one man campaign against injustices of the heart and the mind, yet this battle i can no longer fight, i have my own battle , it rages between my ears and between the massive chest that i carry with me every day. Oh my goodness, The mind, this mind of Mine is so hard to define, what it is that makes me ME? I've tried to go back and find the roots and origins of some of my true real insecurities and have found a few, to be loved and admired have never been near the top, but to love and admire always have been, i love to be happy and i love to show people that they are special when in fact that they are special, conversely i can also pout down an ass whipping on the Sara Palins of the world who have no idea but their own retarded agendas, these people bother me and i can no longer carry that burden either. To dispel the rumors that i speak and write to hear the sound of my own voice and to relive the arrogance and brilliance that i see in myself through my gift of being able to communicate, i can only say that being intelligent and articulate is not illegal, being able to communicate is not a crime , and having opinions substantiated with evidence is good court Fodder.... case closed, My world is based on my ability to speak, listen and respond, Rinse , wash ,repeat, its all so very cyclical with me and will always be the case in my dealing with life, its problems and it solutions. My mind , my heart and my home are the most crucial thing to making Greg a happier person, i delve in to the depths of my being to try to understand myself so that i may better serve those who love me, need me and depend on that solid mind and heart to get through liefs cruelties. Life is not about being deep, its about digging deeper than we ever have to get through it all in one piece. I have travelled many rocky roads in my life, one failed marriage ,nearly a second failed marriage and kids who couldn't,or wouldn't look me in the eye! all great when you put it into perspective and realize that sometimes guilt is the great equalizer and sometimes makes us realize the answers to the unanswerable questions in our lives! Greg Duran lost his way, Greg Duran found his guilt and with that a new idea of what it tok for him to stray off the path of right versus wrong, but back to a place where he is most comfortable, being cerebral and thinking about the reprocutions of life's actions and having a conscience of things beyond Myself and beyond what is best for me, i live this life in much company and have so many responsibilities to so many more hearts and souls other than my own. taking the bull by the balls and realizing that my life is my own and can and will be whatever i make it out to be. I don't require the outreached hand of guidance, but am wise enough to know that i can without shame reach out and allow my wife, my brothers and my sisters to hug and hold to love and cherish the man and person that i can become for them all. So i reach out now and send my love to those that matter the most, I give myself , all of myself and to never under estimate the power of truth , honesty and the power to communicate it all clearly on a daily basis. I have been blessed and for this i do thank my Lord for giving me a second chance to make the difference that i have blessed with the abilities to give

Emotional Katrina

As i was speaking to wife last night , speaking in metaphor and simile as I usually do I was trying to drive home a very key point. I walked into our bedroom after a second trip to the gym last night feeling tired yet refreshed from a second workout for my aching body. I noticed a somber, yet angry face on my wifes face and asked her if she was OK? She replied, "I don't know" I then heard her fire off a question that nearly floored me,she asked" Are you 100% committed to US"? i responded with , " why would that be in question, i asked u back and here u are, of course I am committed to US! She then began to question the texts and occational call from Valarie and was concerned that this was not healthy for either side to mend the pains and hurt created by our affair. she was concerned that she was not giving each side a chance to heal and work towards closure on us and move forward to work on our respective marriages! My take on it was this , after all of the damage that we had done, and all the rubble we left behind we are having a hard time to hitting the off button of emotions. I put it to her this way, I feel so bad for creating such a stir and hurting so many people on both sides that i almost feel like I was the tornado , or the Katrina storm that came thru and wiped out a city and left a path of destrucxtion behind me. My heart and kind soul tell me to try to fix it al and to go back to the scene and survey the damage that I have created by talking to Valarie and making sure she is committed to her husband and doing what she needs to do to make it work. My wife seems to think it as counter productive to hold on to the feelings still, but i cannot stop caring and loving a person that was so dear to me , even if for a short time it was real and true and I will dispute that til the end. But my caring and concerned side of me does not allow me to walk away stone cold from anyhting i have ever been involved with, I had to re-assure terria that thhere will never be another Greg/Valarie relationship , that ship has sailed and i had my slip from reality happen to me, there is not chance that i woill leave Terria for anybody, never, and if I do it will be as a divorced,, single man ,,never to hurt her again under the guise of a married man cheating on his wife. I know what i walked away from as does Valarie when she chose to go back, but she thanked me for giving her an awareness and the personal tools to work through her marriage and realize that there was so much dysfunction in her marriage and have brought things to the table and can now work on them, conversely I go back to my wife with a table that is set, in order and all i have to do is take away the fears that Greg will ever do this again as a married man. I know that Valarie and I know we cannot ever create this pain to self or family ever again and know that this is a great learning tool for us a individuals to grow, and learn about ourselves so that we can give our spouses the love and attention they deserve, each of our spouses has given up their Pride, their, firends advise ,even their children questioning the taking back of the soiled couple who played and got dirty while watching the worlds behind them crumble, yet they are all strong enough to put that behind them and work towards a better future together. This is very commendable to throw caution to the wind and make an honest attempt to make a mistake into an opportunity for success. I am so damn sorry for the pains I have created and will have a hard time realizing its conclusion, i beat myself up each day over againabout becomming vulnerable and allowing myself to have an inappropriate realtionship with a married woman, To Ed , i do apologize for being a weak individual and thrusting my soul onto your wife so very inapproriately, and to my wife , i have apologized and now must work towards the goal of regaining trust and being the man that she reunited with 12 years ago. As our 9th anniversary approached June 30, i was going to take a trip to my favorite city Seattle Wa. ,I was to go solo and hang out with my homeless friends to give me some perspective on how blessed of a life and existance I have, i was going to actually sleep on the streets for a night and see and share the stories of the homeless and catalogue self evaluate how wonderful my world is in comparison to theirs, I am bless, we are blessed, i just cannoitot turn off my emotions for those that i love, or have loves like a light switch. I care because I can and do it well. God Bless!

The Second Chance

Funny how the curveballs in life keep coming, and i keep hitting them and fouling them off as well. I have been given another opportunity to right the wrongs and find my way in the grand scheme of things. My life has taken so many turns in the past month i don't even know where to start OR where to end, for there never seems to be a beginning or an end to anything I do. My friend has chosen to go back to her husband again and give that a third chance for success. I was unable to walk away from that relationship and was essentially not giving up on her or the relationship until she did so. I knew after the first trial of her going back to her husband that i would get the second pink slip at some point in time, i knew and had as a I always do prepare myself for the outcomes listed in best case to worst case scenarios, thats how i live and breathe, prepared and ready. There was a lot of cleaning up to do , the house and the mortgage were in question without my wife's substantial income to supplement my own, so i sought out alternative ways to be financed and had a plan in effect. After a week had passed i took my soon to be ex wife to breakfast one Saturday morning to try to discuss the inner workings of our demise and pending divorce. At breakfast she did mention the fact that she was concerned about me and knew the previous 3 months were as much a burden on me as they were for her, they were and she was so right as the pains of going to bed each night one day closer to ending a perfect marriage do to Pride and my inability to give her a second chance to take me back in her life as her Husband. Yet i fought the whole reunification thing to the end and was given this thought to myself as i sat across the breakfast table from her. Why did Valarie get 2 chances to walk away from me and how was it that my wife was given none, my pride and ego were standing in the way of the perfect wife, the perfect marriage and she had nothing to do with any of my flaws that i exposed to the world on May 3, 2010, funny how on June 3 it was over and I was left to try to figure out what my game plan for going on was going to be. being a overly strong yet sensitive person has enabled me to understand alot and not put the cart before the horse when it comes to dealing with issues in my life. So getting back to Terria and my taking the opportunity to right the ship and bring her back home to me. I told her looking her dead in the eye, "you know the past 2 1/2 months havent been without pain and bittersweet fortunes for anybody, we had left so much heartfelt devastation behind us and i left a perfectly good marriage to seek out somebody elses love. I can only imagine your hurt and pain ,but to know that you were helpless and faultless in my external search for whatever it was and for whatever reason I chose to move forward with Valarie and secretly fall in love with another woman. I was real, it was true and it did happen and if the guilt would not have gotten to her I would still be with her from a distance and we would still be looking for a future together. but fate and reality stuck their hands in the mix and threw in the guilt and memorabilia necessary for Valarie to make a decision that would impact us both in a seemingly bad way at the time, but have proven to be right and put us both back in the proper contexts of our lifes and our loves for our spouses. I actually surprised myself by allowing Terria to take me back and have her move back into the house. I have an extreme sense of Pride and determination to stick by my guns, but loving her so much and hurting her so much I swallowed My pride and did the right thing for her and put my stupidity of being an egomaniac behind and started real growth for Greg Duran. I apologize wholeheartedly to Ed Caulfield , to Whitney, to Jared and to the family that was affected by this all, this was never my intention to fall in love with somebody Else's;wife and thus move my own wife out and have to bring her back. these life lessons of pain, hurt , lies , deceit will always remind me of the 3 months that got away from my marriage and the time when Greg was a stranger to not only his family, but to himself as a good person, human being and respectful person to somebody elses wife. for this I shake Eds hand for allowing Valarie another opportunity to properly work on their marriage and give each other the love, communication and the hard work that a marriage truly deserves. As for me I can only thank My Lord who kept me grounded if not stronger than i should have been, i was trying to do the right things in a wrong situation , i know through conversations with Valarie that we could have and would have worked well together and that the love we shared was so real and was not some cheap, fly by night fling that everybody says it was, there were magical moments, and there was talks of everyday, but goddammit we went about the magic the wrong way at the wrong time and always said so even when things were strong and going well for us. i know sometimes in life we get another chance to fix a broken part of ourselves, this time we have a chance to fix 2 broken up families dealing with the same thing at the same time. I have shared with Valarie how sad it is that we at this time cannot maintain a friendship with each other and at least communicate to see how the other is progressing on the roads to recovery! time is our enemy, i will always take a piece of Valarie with me as will she from me, but the common thread from here on out is the respect for our spouses and the knowledge of where we put them both emotionally and spiritually because of our selfish act to implode our love at the expense of so many was so wrong and we each paid the price, i hope that Whitney will oneday look back at this and realize how childish her acts were and still are , I'm very blessed that all of my broken fences have been mended and cleaned up properly. I will try to persuade my Terria to give me the latitude to at least check on Valaries' life and make sure she is doing well and on the right track, but understand the harship she would have if she did not want me to give a shit. as i told her, I will always Love My Valarie, even though she was not mine to love, as a friend, a lover of Baseball and sports and even as a good accepetor of my shit spewing crap that i am so good at talking. how here reality TV blows and how Fergie Really is a Cunt and that all that matters is not online or on TV, its in the hearts and souls that we shared for 3 months together and how we must give our spouses our hearts and souls back to them by showing them everyday how much we love them, even if denouncing our love that we had for each other. as we said earlier today, i will always Love you Valarie and you will always love your Greg Duran, so go out and Make Ed the happiest he's ever been and make sure he does the same for you. I am in the best place I've ever been Valarie Caulfield and want you to free yourself from any pains that we caused, therapy and guidance and the communication that you and Ed, me and Terria will never allow this to happen ever again . I wanna check in for the sole purpose of making sure you are happy and giving Ed all he deserves. and please Forget outside opinion, they have no right to dictate right from wrong,I love you u Valarie and i love the fact that Ed has you in his arms at night, back where you should have never strayed from, but this time you are bigger, better, stronger as a result of our Hiccup, love you, bye for Now, not forever,i'm watching you two closely . We have to earn their trust so they let us check in on each other, my heart and soul tells me that you will work thru this all and be better than u ever have been before. I am so blessed to have Terria and she will be allowed to read this as well if she so chooses. our platform is solid, i am working on repairing my chipped and tattered pillars of strength. i am a strong man but the walls of reality are sometimes too much to hold up forever, even the Strong are weak at times, my Terria solidifies that strength with her love , compassion and understanding of life ,love and the heart that i trampled upon, is the Heart that was left open for me to take again.Amazing !!! Now go get it done!!

Hurry up! my Impatience is Waiting!

Running alone in the street, i see the lights at the end of the road and the sun still rising from the east. The world where I live has become even smaller , even more isolated than ever before, I'm fly solo again in the hopes to land in a friendly land and on a smooth landing strip. But the winds of change have not been kind to me, My surprise and shock have enlightened me , and even made a once optimistic person look the other way for there is hope, but in the hands of another. When my world becomes dependant upon anything other than my own rotation and orbital bliss, i worry, when the days seems so much shorter, I cringe, and when the happiness I once held so deeply in my hands has sifted through my hands like sands through an open fist,I cry again. My fear and my tears are real, my pains and emptiness are the same I felt before and I know where my life will take me ,but nobody knows where I am and what i am capable of doing with my broken heart and broken parts again. My bag is full again, my heart is empty again, my words and actions are constant reminders that I am not what I thought I was, and am not all that I could have been. There will be drastic changes for me, another day another week, a month or two but after I vanish into the night ,into the cold and forever questioned and never truly understood. i have n rock, I have no pillars, to provide or to use anymore. I place my thoughts and my desires on a island, for they are unobtainable and distant, my refuge will be myself, for there are no wrong answers but my own, there will never be another heartbreak, another responsibility and hurdle to clear, unless i put it there. I am at peace with my decisions, i am my own Rock when I need to be and I will thrive and not just survive in my new place and my new world where Greg is the Judge, Jury and executioner. So I say Goodbye to the world I knew,and say hello to the tranquil sea, the winds will blow and the sun will shine and i see my life in a different light from today forward. Take my strengths and my mind and put it all together for the rest of my life for that solo flight which may never come down

My weakest hour

Another day passes me by and i feel the world slipping further away from me. The level of internal and external disappointment is flooding my entire body and overcomes me with a heaviness that I've never felt before. Everything that I once held so high, strong and proud are now my weakest points , my pride, dignity and scrupulous ways have been washed away from me and replaced with fear, hatred and a sense of abandonment. The struggle to do what is right has escaped me months ago, now that I'm in the fight of my life for a relationship with my girl, my life and my Savior, who will win and who will fight the good fight at this point. I'm beaten but not defeated, my heavy heart and cluttered brain are mere reminders of the damage that i left behind and i trudgingly move forward to a new day with a better result. As I wake up each morning i expect to shake the sleep from my eyes, the realities from being real and wake up from this and have my nightmarish existence be that, just a bad dream . But I wake up and it is a bad reality of tattered lives, broken promises and bleeding hearts strewn along the highway. It is a day like today when i realize I should be on a plane to a place where open arms await me and dreams of getting it right consume me, but it Isn't, its my dream, its my reality its my fuck ups that make this day another long day in the realms of Greg being Greg. My numb hands are cold, my heavy heart is even colder than that and my aching mind has put itself in a timeout for sensory overload of fried wires and broken connections ,and the biggest disconnect of all is my lack of control over my life. For the first time ever, i am vulnerable , i am Numb, i am a shadow of the man I once was, when the daily grind was a cup of coffee to me, now it has become so much more complicated because i have made it that way for myself. Yes, today is here and it is rough, tomorrow will bring more of the same and until the day I can look people in the eye and tell them I hurt , I feel, I care and bleed right along side all those i have affected, I shoulder the burden and take life's' pink slip with me on a daily basis in the efforts to become a better human being.

There was a brief moment where i lost all perspective in my life , spirituality and my coherent sensibility, My Christianity was in question , not only by others but by my own hands and doing. the other day I threw my Bible in the trash, nestled softly on top of my waste basket it sat there and mocked me like i had mocked its goodness and love to do what is expected of me, what is right and what a good christian should have done. But for a fleeting moment I blamed God for making me weak and blamed him for making me hurt people around me, So in my weakest point ever ,I discarded the word that helped me back to health, life and prosperity. This in fact was my weakest moment ever to date,so i had hit the bottom of the well and has started my Ascension to the top again. I prayed for forgiveness to my God for defiling his words and prayed to God to help and heal all those my life continually brings pains to. For all the families, and people I have touched be it good or bad, i have prayed long and hard a good result, not for me but for the people who deserve it the most, May God help us all in our quest to understand, overcome and flourish against our demons, i Love so many but hate myself and my lord is putting me on the rack immediately and fixing and re-tuning the broken motors and frayed wires of Greg Duran

Monday Monday!

The previous 2 Monday evenings have totally rocked my world,Monday 3 May I admitted to my wife that i was in love with another woman and had acted inappropriately with a married woman. On May 10, also a Monday I was told by my new love that she was contemplating giving her marriage another try and thus leaving me to fly solo. After having set in my mind that i will divorce my wife and try to work on a long distance time and mileage tested relationship with my new love. Well this past Monday eve really rocked my world and sent me into a tumble for which i don't know if a recovery is happening anytime soon! I was hurt, devastated and relieved all at the same time, I was hurt for the obvious losses i incurred and relieved that my love was trying to do the right thing with her family and give her man a chance to change his ways. Move to today i feel so desperate and helpless in my efforts to move on and move along emotionally in my life. ?With an impending divorce from my Terria and a future that looks bleak a lonely, I only see the freedoms to be with anybody i want , whenever i want, but this Isn't what I want, or need as a 47 year old failed man . I need substance in my life ,i need love and passion and the drive to come home after work and be rejuvenated by open arms and loving eyes the way I imagine my girl to be! But reality sets in and i look to the future in my head and see a bleak existence of date nights and sleepovers of meaningless sexual encounter all void of love and passion just Physicality similar to that of 2 dogs in the alley way. My Terria says she will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself for putting her emotions on hold and forgetting the vows i took on June 30 2001. I could not go from passionate bliss and building a future to a forgiving and hurting heart, always feeling like I owed her something for my ugliness and bad choices. Yet i love my terria and despise myself so much that i cannot put her thru a doubtful minute on my behalf ever again. If i go back to Terria it means that i have lost at my goal and if I went back because that goal was not fulfilled and i can't do that as a human being and a man of self respect who has hurt the woman i chose to spend the rest of my life with, i won't cloud her life with pains and doubt anymore and walk away as a mans man who will admit to his mistakes and take ownership of the fact that he is an imperfect person with many flaws and many long journeys ahead of him! I am in fact a broken man who can fix himself up as good as new, my newness is not any good anymore and my thoughts and heart are so conflicted with what i was, what i am and what i will become. I don't even have the strength to write here anymore and this took every ounce of strength I could beg ,borrow and steal to achieve my goal, to spill my guts, instead of throwing up. Goodbye!

"Eyeballs"

Windows to the soul and heart
never lie just re-direct me
I put myself and my trust
in those eyes to see me through

when you say "I can read your eyes"
you really could,
my open book heart, arms and eyes
always opened for you,always wider each time we met

So I sent myself through my eyes
gave myself to your soul
you took me in and held me tight
and read my book and laughed aloud

you gave me hope and joy
I left behind my seemingly perfect life
the picket fence and adoring wife
My empty house will never forgive me

In this mirror i look
I see your reflection in every direction
A hotel room off Richards street
of passion and a missing beat

My world in detour
my heart is mended
my thoughts and goals
put me on top again

My responsibilities are over
my pains and struggles of hiding are done
When the sun shines on me tomorrow
a man , a restaurant and dinner for one

So i commend you on your re-unification
saw it coming and prepared myself
to not be hurt ,to be happy for you
I'm strong enough to be alone

today is a venture into the known
been here before
know the score
zeros on the board forevermore

Valarie I will always care about you
I will always look at your eyes and wonder
when you roll over each morning
will the eyes that look at you LOVE like I did