So Help Me God

Times like this, past midnight, can't sleep , don't want to sleep, couldn't if I really needed to! So much on my mind right now, so much depth and resourcefulness in my heart and still I can't close my eyes and end the day. My everyday is another day closer to my dreams, my yesterday another lost opportunity that reality has kicked me in the back of the head as the constant reminder. I read the writings, I see the pictures and I feel the warmth, and yet at times feel the losses of something I don't yet have, don't yet know how to miss them, yet I miss it so much it hurts me so! My sensitivities have always been my nemesis if not my strengths, my open heart, open arms and opens wounds serve me well and serve me often, reminders of where I've been, where I'm at, and where I want to be! My ability to wait for things to happen is nil, my patience is a foreigner in a strange land and all that I know ends up in the heart and in the soul of my comprehension. My heart has been devastated at times, been repaired, been trampled on again and been repaired again,but the scars and pains have been a learning tool, and absence of pain makes the joys of pleasure less victorious. I'm at a place right now where I am taken back, really look into the mirror and am not afraid of what I see, and for the first time in my life feel a lifted burden of responsibility, a freedom from the turmoils of wars on foreign turf and my heart has adapted to its workouts with a strength and a knowledge of that all wars end in peace. I don't surrender, I won't succumb, For the first time in my life I can embrace my fortune, my understanding of my personal role in this world and take my shot at the world as I've never viewed it before. It has always been through the trees of other expectations and through the eyes of well wishers in a wishing well of cloudy days and rainless nights, but the anticipatory uneasiness of never knowing what in fact my own decisions, based on me, my needs , my broken pieces and my chosen fixes. . My personal inbox is empty, my outgoing flow is always that...outgoing and free flying to destinations that pay no winners and imprison lost souls to be doomed by their own compassion. When I say I don't ever wanna be be that guy, that person who forever reaches out and gives so much and while doing so had his pockets of sanity pilfered and returned in tattered condition only to be refurbished and repeat the same vicious cycle over and over again. I found my Gold, I found my home and I found my peace . where my heart will be massaged, my world will revolve on a dual axis and I won't ever have to look back to make sure the stragglers will catch up and contribute to my sanity. So as I peer over the fence and see the green grass, my life ,my loves will either reward me with riches or send me back to the drawing board and do it all over again, but whatever comes of me, this last train has left the station and there are no more ways to paradise, and my voyage I pray is the best trip I will ever make. God has blessed me with greatness, of family, of friends and of love , love which goes far beyond my previous journeys through the Abyss. So help me God. I am now tired and have officially unloaded my chamber of any burdens, doubts or inconclusive decisions to move forward . So I can now go close my eyes! Goodnite and good morning Sweetpea

I'm Full

My Friend Brad Holland once told me after I was expressing trepidations about whatever, complained about something, somebody , he bluntly put it like this. "Greg ,you are the guy in the buffet line who is so full yet wants to go back for more, the plate is full of food and the juices are flowing over the plate. Yet you seek out more than you need, more than you have and More, more ,more!!!" Life is good for me and has dealt me a full plate of goodness and a life of comforts and joys and things that many people don't have. Always being as appreciative as i can and being thankful for all that come across my path that have made a difference. My plate is forever full, my gut is forever aching with the greedy fullness that only i can comprehend! I have taken the fullness to newer heights and have far exceeded my mental capacity at times to savor the flavor and to solve life's puzzle sitting in front of me .Knowing that the puzzles pieces may or may not fit properly, or fit at all. i have endured the task of being the pillar of strength , being the eternal rock of stability and always being the kind and gentle soul who would give a man break and listen to that story and be the one to reach out and pull a person out of the hole. I will forever be that guy and forever be that soul who always seems to care , when not caring would be the healthier ,easier way to go about it. Yet i catch myself in the mental quandary of caring too much, versus not caring enough, for self and other but nonetheless still put myself in the unenviable position of seeking out my dreams, versus the dreams expected from my past doings, my future has somehow been determined by the deeds of yesterday and may have hindered my path to new and different aspects of life and living as a man, as a person and as a human being who loves and cares about people. Caring so much and being so much to many I have determined to myself that being selfish isn't always a bad thing and being demanding and commanding of ones' life and happiness cant be a bad thing, yet i care and i feel for others and do not ever want to purposely trample on ones emotions or heartfelt feelings. sometimes life doesn't play by the rules, even though i try, i fail miserably and must confess that i don't always stay within the confines of the rule books, I am human and am full of good things and bad, trying always to do the right thing and be the right person for everyone. i have come to the conclusion that i must unload my burdens and allow my conscience to be my guide, wheres my rock, and wheres my pillar in the grand scheme of things? i can only hope that the rock i just threw , and the support pillars i just kicked out from under me are the ones i will never have to use again and feel the freedom of expeditionary bliss to one day say" anything i own, is my own , anything i create is my own , and anything I fuck up is my own fault. so I need to empty my plate and lighten up my load and feel the joys that are an empty plate, to re load and restock at my own pace, never worrying about the overflow of good, bad or indifferent. Maybe my selfish soul has taken over and maybe my plate was dropped and broken into pieces, and my dreams shattered into shards of ceramic disillusionment and the fixes are not so quick, and not so dramatic that i have to mend and bond it again right this moment. So i get a new plate and add and portion my life in a manner that makes me able to deal, to appreciate and to savor the flavors of life, life's' goodness and the by the graces of God allow me to do the right things ,in the right time and find that missing puzzle piece so that i may frame it and hang it on the wall. So as I champion this Renaissance i can always know that my Failures, my victories, my fears and my tears will be my own and my solutions will not be far behind. God has blessed me with the mind, heart and soul, now i seek out and hope to do the right thing!

I've always considered myself a problem solver, a good listener and an overall fixer of things that are broken! I often refer to my past failures to help to give me perspective and assist i the solving process. Lately I have burdened myself with issues of losing my perspective and losing my way in areas where I am usually the strongest and most effective. My positive outlook and my strength in faith and power of assertion have slipped .So I try to examine myself and fix myself, as do on a seemingly daily basis, I have and will get through my slump. he sharp tongue and sharp wit are a little dull these days, i have los that edge and will regain it as I always do, i miss my crew of friends andI miss my motorcyle and group of friends who shared the same passion with me. As I evolve into a more responsible adult andbecome more aware of others feelings and emotions, I step away from my selfish ways for a bit to try to analyze the big picture, the picture that at one time seemed so pretty and perfect in scope, yet today i see the tilt in the frame and smear of the paint and I try to access the levelling process to get the picture where it needs to be, or replace the picture altogether. So much about my life s from my failures, my ability t learn, and thrive and repair broken parts and broken hearts, predominantly my own but fixed and repaired to new condition. I have always been termed as the rock and pillar providing the foundations for alot of my life, when I fail, it all fails. I do Not rely on anybody else to fix my shit, nor do I allow anybody to get too close to my personal side, which at times can be a little offbeat, as is my humor and wit, scary but harmless, funny but at times so off the beat and path that I surpprise myself sometimes

Back from a incredible weekend of Golf and personal maintenance time for the gregasaurus. All is well and I feel like I have my bearings back from feeling a little disenchanted with myself and my inability to adjust to life's curveballs the way I generally do. I am feeling a sense of relief after my weekend of Golfing and a few moments away from lifes responsibilities of being Husband, parent and all around good guy!!!!As I progress into the next week of realities and onward goals at work ,home and play, i thank God for allowing me the ability to bounce back and press forward in positive fashion and o excel at solving my life's', minds and worldly problems that are everyday to most around us. My self perspective on my personal insecurities is somewhat solved, by putting so much pressure on myself to say , do and be the perfect person and mistake free human that i can never ever be. I have come to the realization that I must make more adjustments to my self, my life and my entire being if I am going to be as happy as I think I deserve to be. But as I have previously stated I am not the most appreciative of my blessing, or essentially full of myself into thinking that the good life is a God given right. Much to my dismay I Have realized that my world, my life is in my hands and in my power to achieve or fail. As I posted somewhere else"I am the Champion of my victories and Defeats" and must use this mantra as a battle cry to strive and achieve and be the best everything I can be but more so, make myself a better person and a happier person to seek and achieve Greg's overall contentedness and success. I thank all who allow me to me me and don't try to psycho analyze my fluctuating tides of life and living, I am in fact a blessed man with pieces of my life's puzzle strewn across the table in wonderment, I will find it and I will have that puzzle assemble eventually, God Blessed my life , my world and surroundings and all those who are good enough to be a part of it

Re-Energizing and Mental Calibration Update

Much like my previous post of not being overly appreciative of the goodness I have in my life I feel I need to revamp and overhaul certain mindsets in my life. I'm always one to revitalize and and regroup when stagnation, or even before the onset of stagnation starts to set in. So much goodness and love is part of my everyday life, I guess I can sometimes be overwhelmed at the goodness I receive everyday, ranging from the wife ,to the boys and my brothers sister and friends. I get a sense of mental vapor lock at times when i fail to receive the gifts as gifts, i always take things and the goodness as chores or undeserving attributes for which I have not yet earned or deserved in this lifetime. My somewhat pessimistic views of self are overshadowed by my outward positivity towards other, yet for myself I sometimes fail to see the glass in front of me, whereas others view it as half full or half empty. This personal burden of not accepting the things i have been given as deserving attributes has become a constant nemesis in my life, I feel like my self esteem is neither too high or too low, yet I'm stuck in the space that tells me i should not be in the place that doesn't allow me to be a graceful achiever . All of my blessing shall not go unappreciated and i will get there somehow and someway, in the end i want to be a better everything to everybody and will do whatever is required to get there. My emotional and mental re-calibration starts with invigorating myself into the belief that I am worthy of where I'm at in life, and that the gifts I receive are the gifts I can give back. So as i continue this personal struggle of doubt and insecurity with my own self, values and beliefs I can honestly say that my world is a better place everyday and that I may turn this private battle into a victorious and more recognizable place for myself and my family, and to finally believe that I am a deserving soul of the riches and goodness that Money ,or power can never buy. i am trying so hard to be the guy who rises up and takes hold of lives beyond my own, I have been blessed and need to fulfill this promise!

Pathetic Ungratefulness

I sometimes feel like i have been overly blessed and have been given too much in life. I look around me and see that most everybody i know has some sort of deficient thing about them, or around them that brings them down. After my near death experienc on the motorcycle i told myself that I'd be appreciative of everything I have, everybody I know and that comes into my life. I have explored many new and exciting things and have, in my honest become a more well-rounded human being. As time and the accident become a distant memory, or more distant than it once was , I see myself drawing closer to where I was, and what i was as a a human being. The not so appreciative and not so accomodating Greg duran is rearing his ugly head again. My selfish narrow minded bad side is creeping upon me and I hate that fact about myself. I try to keep myself resfreshed and spontneous and ever -ready to attack the days ahead of me, whatever they may bring. As i fight the old fight of not loving the things and the life that I own ,I look for my spirituality to help me out here, yet i don't feel the strength to love and appreciate the things i vowed i would, feeling at times like my saved life was in fact a wasted save and that i have failed myself and my God by being the same person that i was. A spoiled ,ungrateful , never apprecietive soul who is always looking for the greener Grass in all apsects of his life. I already have the best of everything yet feel a void and an emptiness that i thought my Christianity would fill in for me, my thoughts are that of things, and places and have drifted away from family and friends and the things that really matter. sometimes I'd rather be golfing and riding my the Motorcycle i no longer own to feel fulfillment, knowing full well I have the best of everything at my disposal`an do realize that i am forgetting those who stand by me on a daily basis. Being my own worst critic and the hardest person i will ever deal with in regards to myself, I turn to the mirror and ask myself, "why was my life spared and why am i not making a psotive step to continue the life I vowed to adhere to just a few months back, the wounds have healed but the soul is torn and the heart is weaker today than ever, even thought the body is strong and by all appearances better than ever! So i search in my heart and search deeper into my soul than i have ever before for the answers and the tools i which to heal my wounded being, my tattered soul of meaningless words and phrases that until noew meant virtuous things and truthful existances. But i live the lie of life, and the ungrateful Greg has always disappointed unwittingly the unknowing portion of his mind. My life was spared for me to make a difference , to give my heart and soul to the Lord and to the people i love and those who love me back. I only think about things that are all mine and all me and the nracissistic pig has come out to play again and i hate this person, i despise where I have taken this opportunity to live the good life that i have been given to seek to search and destroy the goodness that has been gifted to me through family and friends and again, my life is so incredible and so peaceful, yet my turbulent mind and my destructive heart will always try to find another way to skin my lifes' cat, my biggest fear has never been to be alone, i relish and cherish solitude, it allows me to be a more creative, if not destructive soul, yet the rssponsibilities of loving and benig loved are sometimes too much for me to totally understand and be responsible for, i hate the fact that I can't go through a day and be at ease about where I'm at , where I've been and where i will end up, its always a mind game and the battles rage on for my mind, my heart and my lifes choices are always questioned by nobody but my own conscience and my own inability to put others hearts and souls somewhere in the abyss. I am a confused and bitterly disappointed man who at times feels the wrath of his own undoing and feels like the dog shit I am, was created as a direct result of my ownability to live in the realities that I continue to create! I am and always be my own worst , and biggest fan in nlife , my insecuruities are few, but the few i do have are killing me inside , ruining my perspectives and devastating my future. i don't know whether i care too much for others , or do I care too much for myself. My cares and concerns never really seen to coincide with my lifes pace, my heart and mind mind are never synchronized with my Spiritualities depth , and my life at times was never truly worth saving, I care about so much, and care for so many and don't know how to do any of them well anymore. i have failed the biggest test in my life , to take what I was so gratiously given and the throw it back and say"Is this as good as it gets" I am failing at this and it pisses me off. again i quote Shawshank Redemption"get busy living, or get busy dying" today, I cannot make that choice!

Open Minds

Over the past 5 months I've had a Renaissance so to speak, above and beyond where I' normally try to re-create and re-invent my mind to adapt to the changes in my head. Yeah, that sounds like a healthy non psychiatric help needing person right?? Well i am who i am and that's all i can be. There are a few constants in my life which i can appreciate and know are stable, my family and the fact that i'm trying to reinvent my wheel so to speak. i have accepted the fact that there are millions of Sarah Palins out there as much as they have accepted the fact that I'm going to expose them for their lunacy whenever and wherever I can. goodness comes in all shapes and forms and i am of the mindset to know that sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make the omelet, in this case mental roadblocks and narrow minded visions,or lack of vision. So much thought and effort goes into what i do ,feel and possess between the ears, it leads to many wild and exciting things for me, stagnation is my cancer and stupidity and narrow mindedness is my death bed. i am constantly listening, watching and always trying to learn whats going on around me, yet i can never figure out where this culture of fast food, quick fix and laziness ever came from. we really celebrate 4-20 as if it means something, moreso that we did the memory of Oklahoma city and other such tragedies, but we are a simple folk who require simple needs, hence most of the TV out there fall into this very category and it is painful to me, to be so cerebral and see so little thought going on, as if it is painful to formulate and idea based on something other than that which is physically or audibly appealing. yeah , alot upsets me and i taken a new stance that i will try new things and do new things for life is fleeting and my biggest fear in life is always, and still remains , i never wanna say , would a, shoulda , coulda...Ever God bless u all and have a great day, I am

State of My union

Since I last posted here plenty has gone on. i have fully recovered from my Nov 22 09 Motorcycle accident and feel like a million bucks. I've been able to shed 55 lbs and feel better and am so grateful for my speedy recovery. My blood hemo is higher than before the accident and blood pressure is good and all seems to be falling into place in my life. I have on 2 separate occasions gone to my local motorcycle dealership where my son works and almost purchased another Missile. But after much consideration for others and the fears that i would put them thru I backed out and did not buy another bike. I will get on another bike someday, but this day is too soon and i want to be good with it when I do. I have been through some really good times here lately, been able to replace the motorcycle with my other passion of Golfing and have been able to get back to the gym and work on regaining all of my strength and continue the weight loss program that i have started since my accident. My middle boy Braz and his wife joined the Army and are currently in their second week of Boot camp at Ft Leonardwood Missouri, we are going to their graduation 2nd week of June. That should be a hot!!!! hot!!!! experience but we need to be there for them! the family is doing well, my wife Terria will need elbow surgery as the ligament is detaching from the bone, she had collarbone and shoulder surgery last June and will carry on this summer with yet another surgery. The future looks great, still trying to get in the low 80's golfing and still attempting to play as often as time will allow. I am somewhat tiring of my Facebook experience and will hopefully be able to Blog more often and keep my writing and my emotions fresh and be able to share them in this manner on this forum. Life for Greg is as usual charmed and feel that I've met some nice new friends on FB and have reunited with some old ones too. Work is amazing as usual , the boss is great and my co-workers are so incredible, they were all so supportive of me when i was off 6 weeks from work and were angels, Angie, Janneth , Sabrina,Rich and Peter were amazing people in my time of needs, thanks to u guys for the visitors, the calls and the cards. As i venture on into the future i see some incredible things happening, I guess supplemental insurances are good to have , as they are paying for my next 3 -4 vacations and the insurance was quick to pay off the motorcycle and give me my dough. so we are doing great and feeling great and it is so nice to see the pieces come back together. As i write this I can only think of my family, my golfing and the day i buy another , yes ,Motorcycle to add to the joys of a charmed life and a charmed and blessed man indeed. Thanks to all who have entered my life and allowed Greg to be Greg and knowing the peculiarities of one Mr. Gregory Anthony Duran takes a special breed to deal with on a daily basis, thank you Terria my love for being so awesome ,not only during my convalescence but everyday I've known you and each and every way a man could know ,love and experience your goodness. I also thank God for allowing me to understand the true meaning of what is really important, the former Atheist Greg Duran was enlightened shortly before his accident and truly understands what love of life , love of God and love of all things real truly are. I have been given the chance to make a difference in peoples lives, not by preaching or being a grandstanding Christian but my being here for people , being the shoulder , the ear, the care and concern and love truly given and as a loving human being I do so and give my love unconditionally and with no fanfare...I hope Sarah Palin is watching, and all of the other Paper Christians who only raise fears and hatred towards those not like themselves. And my last thanks you is for my Christian hero and Guru Frank Schaeffer, who without him and his guidance I would still be chasing my spiritual tail and be a lost soul who had not found his way and his purpose in life. Frank has always responded to my letters and emails and has been nothing but so positive, I follow his blog and twitter to re-educate myself on his goodness and world views. Thanks again, Terria, Brandon, Braz ,Ty, April&Tim , Mom and all of my co-workers and special friends from the Prozac Crew , Brad, Erwin, Yuc,Panda, Dosc, i love you all and am so thankful to have the blessings that one man should nt be afforded in one lifetime! God blessed Greg Duran with all of you and blessed me with my life,family and world. Thank you