I'm Full

My Friend Brad Holland once told me after I was expressing trepidations about whatever, complained about something, somebody , he bluntly put it like this. "Greg ,you are the guy in the buffet line who is so full yet wants to go back for more, the plate is full of food and the juices are flowing over the plate. Yet you seek out more than you need, more than you have and More, more ,more!!!" Life is good for me and has dealt me a full plate of goodness and a life of comforts and joys and things that many people don't have. Always being as appreciative as i can and being thankful for all that come across my path that have made a difference. My plate is forever full, my gut is forever aching with the greedy fullness that only i can comprehend! I have taken the fullness to newer heights and have far exceeded my mental capacity at times to savor the flavor and to solve life's puzzle sitting in front of me .Knowing that the puzzles pieces may or may not fit properly, or fit at all. i have endured the task of being the pillar of strength , being the eternal rock of stability and always being the kind and gentle soul who would give a man break and listen to that story and be the one to reach out and pull a person out of the hole. I will forever be that guy and forever be that soul who always seems to care , when not caring would be the healthier ,easier way to go about it. Yet i catch myself in the mental quandary of caring too much, versus not caring enough, for self and other but nonetheless still put myself in the unenviable position of seeking out my dreams, versus the dreams expected from my past doings, my future has somehow been determined by the deeds of yesterday and may have hindered my path to new and different aspects of life and living as a man, as a person and as a human being who loves and cares about people. Caring so much and being so much to many I have determined to myself that being selfish isn't always a bad thing and being demanding and commanding of ones' life and happiness cant be a bad thing, yet i care and i feel for others and do not ever want to purposely trample on ones emotions or heartfelt feelings. sometimes life doesn't play by the rules, even though i try, i fail miserably and must confess that i don't always stay within the confines of the rule books, I am human and am full of good things and bad, trying always to do the right thing and be the right person for everyone. i have come to the conclusion that i must unload my burdens and allow my conscience to be my guide, wheres my rock, and wheres my pillar in the grand scheme of things? i can only hope that the rock i just threw , and the support pillars i just kicked out from under me are the ones i will never have to use again and feel the freedom of expeditionary bliss to one day say" anything i own, is my own , anything i create is my own , and anything I fuck up is my own fault. so I need to empty my plate and lighten up my load and feel the joys that are an empty plate, to re load and restock at my own pace, never worrying about the overflow of good, bad or indifferent. Maybe my selfish soul has taken over and maybe my plate was dropped and broken into pieces, and my dreams shattered into shards of ceramic disillusionment and the fixes are not so quick, and not so dramatic that i have to mend and bond it again right this moment. So i get a new plate and add and portion my life in a manner that makes me able to deal, to appreciate and to savor the flavors of life, life's' goodness and the by the graces of God allow me to do the right things ,in the right time and find that missing puzzle piece so that i may frame it and hang it on the wall. So as I champion this Renaissance i can always know that my Failures, my victories, my fears and my tears will be my own and my solutions will not be far behind. God has blessed me with the mind, heart and soul, now i seek out and hope to do the right thing!