So Help Me God

Times like this, past midnight, can't sleep , don't want to sleep, couldn't if I really needed to! So much on my mind right now, so much depth and resourcefulness in my heart and still I can't close my eyes and end the day. My everyday is another day closer to my dreams, my yesterday another lost opportunity that reality has kicked me in the back of the head as the constant reminder. I read the writings, I see the pictures and I feel the warmth, and yet at times feel the losses of something I don't yet have, don't yet know how to miss them, yet I miss it so much it hurts me so! My sensitivities have always been my nemesis if not my strengths, my open heart, open arms and opens wounds serve me well and serve me often, reminders of where I've been, where I'm at, and where I want to be! My ability to wait for things to happen is nil, my patience is a foreigner in a strange land and all that I know ends up in the heart and in the soul of my comprehension. My heart has been devastated at times, been repaired, been trampled on again and been repaired again,but the scars and pains have been a learning tool, and absence of pain makes the joys of pleasure less victorious. I'm at a place right now where I am taken back, really look into the mirror and am not afraid of what I see, and for the first time in my life feel a lifted burden of responsibility, a freedom from the turmoils of wars on foreign turf and my heart has adapted to its workouts with a strength and a knowledge of that all wars end in peace. I don't surrender, I won't succumb, For the first time in my life I can embrace my fortune, my understanding of my personal role in this world and take my shot at the world as I've never viewed it before. It has always been through the trees of other expectations and through the eyes of well wishers in a wishing well of cloudy days and rainless nights, but the anticipatory uneasiness of never knowing what in fact my own decisions, based on me, my needs , my broken pieces and my chosen fixes. . My personal inbox is empty, my outgoing flow is always that...outgoing and free flying to destinations that pay no winners and imprison lost souls to be doomed by their own compassion. When I say I don't ever wanna be be that guy, that person who forever reaches out and gives so much and while doing so had his pockets of sanity pilfered and returned in tattered condition only to be refurbished and repeat the same vicious cycle over and over again. I found my Gold, I found my home and I found my peace . where my heart will be massaged, my world will revolve on a dual axis and I won't ever have to look back to make sure the stragglers will catch up and contribute to my sanity. So as I peer over the fence and see the green grass, my life ,my loves will either reward me with riches or send me back to the drawing board and do it all over again, but whatever comes of me, this last train has left the station and there are no more ways to paradise, and my voyage I pray is the best trip I will ever make. God has blessed me with greatness, of family, of friends and of love , love which goes far beyond my previous journeys through the Abyss. So help me God. I am now tired and have officially unloaded my chamber of any burdens, doubts or inconclusive decisions to move forward . So I can now go close my eyes! Goodnite and good morning Sweetpea