Pathetic Ungratefulness

I sometimes feel like i have been overly blessed and have been given too much in life. I look around me and see that most everybody i know has some sort of deficient thing about them, or around them that brings them down. After my near death experienc on the motorcycle i told myself that I'd be appreciative of everything I have, everybody I know and that comes into my life. I have explored many new and exciting things and have, in my honest become a more well-rounded human being. As time and the accident become a distant memory, or more distant than it once was , I see myself drawing closer to where I was, and what i was as a a human being. The not so appreciative and not so accomodating Greg duran is rearing his ugly head again. My selfish narrow minded bad side is creeping upon me and I hate that fact about myself. I try to keep myself resfreshed and spontneous and ever -ready to attack the days ahead of me, whatever they may bring. As i fight the old fight of not loving the things and the life that I own ,I look for my spirituality to help me out here, yet i don't feel the strength to love and appreciate the things i vowed i would, feeling at times like my saved life was in fact a wasted save and that i have failed myself and my God by being the same person that i was. A spoiled ,ungrateful , never apprecietive soul who is always looking for the greener Grass in all apsects of his life. I already have the best of everything yet feel a void and an emptiness that i thought my Christianity would fill in for me, my thoughts are that of things, and places and have drifted away from family and friends and the things that really matter. sometimes I'd rather be golfing and riding my the Motorcycle i no longer own to feel fulfillment, knowing full well I have the best of everything at my disposal`an do realize that i am forgetting those who stand by me on a daily basis. Being my own worst critic and the hardest person i will ever deal with in regards to myself, I turn to the mirror and ask myself, "why was my life spared and why am i not making a psotive step to continue the life I vowed to adhere to just a few months back, the wounds have healed but the soul is torn and the heart is weaker today than ever, even thought the body is strong and by all appearances better than ever! So i search in my heart and search deeper into my soul than i have ever before for the answers and the tools i which to heal my wounded being, my tattered soul of meaningless words and phrases that until noew meant virtuous things and truthful existances. But i live the lie of life, and the ungrateful Greg has always disappointed unwittingly the unknowing portion of his mind. My life was spared for me to make a difference , to give my heart and soul to the Lord and to the people i love and those who love me back. I only think about things that are all mine and all me and the nracissistic pig has come out to play again and i hate this person, i despise where I have taken this opportunity to live the good life that i have been given to seek to search and destroy the goodness that has been gifted to me through family and friends and again, my life is so incredible and so peaceful, yet my turbulent mind and my destructive heart will always try to find another way to skin my lifes' cat, my biggest fear has never been to be alone, i relish and cherish solitude, it allows me to be a more creative, if not destructive soul, yet the rssponsibilities of loving and benig loved are sometimes too much for me to totally understand and be responsible for, i hate the fact that I can't go through a day and be at ease about where I'm at , where I've been and where i will end up, its always a mind game and the battles rage on for my mind, my heart and my lifes choices are always questioned by nobody but my own conscience and my own inability to put others hearts and souls somewhere in the abyss. I am a confused and bitterly disappointed man who at times feels the wrath of his own undoing and feels like the dog shit I am, was created as a direct result of my ownability to live in the realities that I continue to create! I am and always be my own worst , and biggest fan in nlife , my insecuruities are few, but the few i do have are killing me inside , ruining my perspectives and devastating my future. i don't know whether i care too much for others , or do I care too much for myself. My cares and concerns never really seen to coincide with my lifes pace, my heart and mind mind are never synchronized with my Spiritualities depth , and my life at times was never truly worth saving, I care about so much, and care for so many and don't know how to do any of them well anymore. i have failed the biggest test in my life , to take what I was so gratiously given and the throw it back and say"Is this as good as it gets" I am failing at this and it pisses me off. again i quote Shawshank Redemption"get busy living, or get busy dying" today, I cannot make that choice!