I don't need professional help (HaHa)

I must be a Psychiatrist wet dream, I have so much shit in my head and try to process every single drop and cannot possibly do so! I just wrote "The Cost" and made a comment under it and re-read it a couple of times, I am one fucked up ,or am one too fucking honest person who recognizes we are all fucked up and all have issues, i like sharing how fucked up I am and it kind is my own therapeutic way to deal with my life. Yeah I have some real hard lines and some sharp edges, but God has given me the ability of expression, so i ask myself, Am i the most fucked up person that most people will ever know, or the most bluntly honest and self medicating in a non drug abuse sort of way type of dude? i don't know but i love me some Greg Duran and my shit is beyond any sort of help, or fixing or care and concern but I thrive on being different and being who i am. Maybe they can do some clinical research on my stupid ass one day but til then I'm striving to thrive and if I fall down in my attempts.,my ass will get back up and try it again differently. Fuck everybody who takes them self too seriously..... Really

The Cost?

I can feel the presence around my neck
the albatross flown across my bow
the deepest thought i have today
Is a world of flux I'm sorting through

Pressures I apply around my wrist
Rememberance of strength and virtue
realities of my daily cleansing
to never forget the dirt driven roads

My sanity and my self made soul
to never allow an outstretched hand
to save me from my own train wreck
My conductor is a switch mans dream

the faith I've held forever high
temporarily had gone awry
this stubborn man with so much Pride
to face the truth that I am flawed

I read my book and my story tells
A certain path and a swollen brain
Thoughts and dreams of something else
Somewhere else and nobody knows

I paint my Pollock with my words
scattered ,splattered and tattered canvas
the world, the life I praise to live
The tank is empty with nothing left to give

The soul and spirit are on the mend
This vacation that I must soon end
I break away and break on through
The days are numbered as I search for more

Desperate and diligent searches
Prayer books and crowded churches
know not this man who has cried at night
who falls asleep with a phone by his side

I speak and share my worldly passions
I write and carry my deepest depressions
my lifes in limbo in hope I trust
my hands do tremble my feelings burst

The shock and clarity of yesterday
bring me closer to my bottom line
what will be and what will result
This ownership of the world I dropped

The hammer has beaten its last stroke
Its numb inside and feel no more pain
I see the smiles and hear the laughs
revolutions have slowed and I can see again

Today, tomorrow and henceforth when
I meet my maker and begin to thrive
this worldly shit is just a charade
the cost of loving so very high

Evolution

feeling a little bit sluggish today, not from lack of sleep thats for sure. Have a sessio tonight and really looking forward to that and wish i were on the couch as i speak, getting shit out and trying to get the answers I so desperately search for. Last night was interesting, watching my 2 1/2 men dvds with terria til dinner was discusse, we headed to Montezumas , ate half a burrito and felt like shit. Came home watched more DVD and then listened to music , got a call from Brandon from thousand oaks ,playing kissy face with a girl and his motorcycle headlight wasnt working , so I hopped in the truck at 10pm and headed for the 30 minute drive with my ramp and tie downs to load the truck with his bike and bring him home. I did and we headed home talking about his evening and his friends and really just enjoying hanging out with my oldest boy. Told him i was running the idea of a New R1 by Terria and Terria wasn't really in the mood to talk about it yet, nor was i and i could hear robert Nevarez's voice in my head as he sat o my couch the other night"Gregorio,stay away from the motorcycle, you don't need that " I laughed and chuckled and really wanted it even more! I'm still on the fence about that but have other issues to tackle before thinking about getting onthe back roads again, it is summer and it is prime time to do so. I was dusting off my leather suit and my jackets the other day and felt a little sad. So another saurus thing to think about on am already fiull plate of lifes goodness, oh well , could be worse, i could be broke and have a 300 credit score and be hating life but that aint the case so i will quit my bitch whining and man up about the project. I have been trying to find a concert to go to for awhile now, no theory of a deadman anywhere, 3rd eye blind,Billy Bragg or Marshall Crenshaw, Terria was asking about Marshall Crenshaw the other day and he aint playing anywhere, might go see Crowded House at the Nokia in August but haate the larger venues but i guess we will see about that. anyway i miss my music, and I miss my live music even more. Other than that very little going on but life itself, things are flowing very smoothly which always concerns me, i like to have to workk a little harder at shit but can't complain the way things are evolving naturally for me. I am feeling good about my evolution towards the Greg of yesterday and really am trying to understand what is making me work or not work well these days. i have no real qualms about anything just some of the uncertainities of my everyday and my past ventures and why i have been so many different places with so many different peole kind of troubles me, some sort of insecurity form a childhood neglect I'm sure but it will all rise to the top. Until then i must write and must communicate my thoughts and feelings to my self and my wife and hope we can work through the cloudiness of my past which has in fact affected my everyday. Being such a cerebral person and never allowing the mind to take a day off, ever, i really need to focus in on allowing myself some leeway to heal and to pprocess all that i have been through in the past year or so and try to re organize my thoughts and my priorities put myself off to the side and jump into the fray by allowing others to do for me and give to me and not have to be the focal point of the universe, that might be hard for me but it might just work??? I am in a constant state of evolution and need this to keep my mind, my soul and body somewhat grounded i,f not stable, instability breed stability with me and getting comforatble is never an option . Terria has been an all Star throughout this whole time and has been much too supportive and me not deserving of this for all that I put her through. i keep her leetr to me in my hand to remind me how strong she is and that i don't always have to be stromng and I can open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and allow others closer to me to give and sit back and allow it all to hgappen. today is the first day for the rest of my exsistance as a whole man who loves, gives, crys and bleeds for all that matters in life....Love of God and family, friends and being a good person to everybody, even those who try to hurt you and try to bring you down, i can and have risen above all pettiness and can and will be a better person to whomever allows me close enough to do so, I too shall try the same!

Therapy Session # 2 -Answers

Ready for my second therapy session with my wife tomorrow night. The first session was a real pleasure and a getting to know each other time where normal questions were asked and background was obtained for future reference and diagnosis. He made Thursday night 6 pm our time for now and we will attend every Thursday until further notice I suppose. I am really excited about our therapy and the opportunity to come free and clear from some issues that may be dangling over my head, Terria may also be able to free up some of her childhood issues in the scope of finding some answers to some of our questions. The Dr. did give us some homework to bring back and asked us each to write down a list of things that were Obstacles for us getting close, and what we each want from the other person. I have thought long and hard about this and have jotted down a few items that i feel are very real and serious in my eyes, either pertaining to me and to things that i would hope she could do for me and for us as a whole. I clearly feel that the therapy is going in a direction of childhood issues and reasons for some of my insecurities within myself and how i deal with things, never letting anybody getting too close and keeping my issues to myself and drawing that perpetual line in the sand thus keeping people at a safe distance from me. i would much rather do things for myself and do things quickly to remove the possibilities of anybody getting closer and getting me to open myself up and giving in to the allowing part of me to be compromised into somebody Else's hands, not ever a comfortable place for me to be. So i have written down some items that i feel will be helpful in determining some things about what it is i expect from a spouse and some things that I feel are my responsibility, all or some of which will show me as the initiator in getting things done and taking on the responsibility and the blame for things going wrong. I have always felt that if Is easier to take the blame and fix it than to find out who did it and wait for things to be done, this has worked well for me in the workplace and will always be a part of who i am, regardless of whether it is a scapegoat avenue for the weak. But in a relationship things must be shared and delegated and taken care of together, this mindset may not work well and i am trying to figure out ways of compromise in my mindset of how i've dome things in the past may not work well for Terria and I, I am in fact open to better ways to do things and will keep an open mind in doing so, the agreement to go to therapy is a tell tale sign that I am very serious about getting my mind, life and marriage straight, and i don't do things half ass when it comes to people, my loves and my life are very much in the forefront these days and i only hope to figure out some sort of game plan in getting the missing piece and lost answers on the table so that i may work on whatever it is that needs tweaking.

Slow Growth

With my back to the ledge
I reach out in hopes of another chance
With my world in disarray
Looking into your eyes for that meaningful glance

The past is done and today is here for us
My choices to create this broken trust
broken me down to my deepest core
And i don't want to hurt anymore

Moving on and moving forward
I stumble and stagger my goals ever onward
realizing that forgiveness is already given
yet my forgiveness voided by the stake I've driven

Seek out refuge through my counsel
all the gains will not ever cancel
This foreign land that i have ventured
and the people i have tortured

I've killed myself too many times
died and brought back to clearly define
what It is that hurt my soul
The complexities that made me whole

My life and decisions
strategic and hurtful incisions
with life in the rear view mirror
Will my life's window ever get any clearer

So i hold what is precious ever so tight
fearing i will lose her in the night
we talk for hours about the past
and the dark shadow that i have cast

I overcame my Pride and hardened head
bringing my life back from the dead
the clarity that I fight for
thanking you for the opened door

I'm the fat kid in the buffet line
have too much but go back one more time
Will life ever be clearly defined
my prayers answered and given the sign

my jaunt

I'm the little boy in the candy store
my hands are full
yet I still want more
too much good and my jaws are sore
enlightened by the things I adore

I'm fighting back to where I once stood
redirecting and feeling good
I've closed the doors like i knew I would
Opened up to the world I should

The long dark drive
on the winding road
navigational assistance
and personal growth

Back on course
and trying to understand
LOVE is a marathon
and not a one night stand

I've done my best to understand
what it is to be a man
breaking barriers and making a stand
making no illusions of who I am

tomorrow is a golden day
today I fix the world and say
Give me peace, love and a home
where love is not the exception but the rule!

Phuck It

I decided to bring in my laptop to work today and tether it to my blackberry for internet reception, shit works like a wet dream i swear to Christo. We can't get youtube on our Govt computers so i feel like enjoying my favorite tunes whilst doing very little at work, why not right?, fuck off if you're pissed and paying for my slack ass salary. Kinda digging the The "theory Of a deadman ' music these days, they really are a cross between 20 other bands out there but the lead singer is my middle Boy TY to a T in about 3-4 years, looks almost identical to him now just older and less angry lol! I kind of dug these guys out from the cobwebs and really enjoyed them ,now they are somewhat popular and growing in stature. Hello Lonely is a great song and their new "all or nothing" is incredible, I just thoroughly love my music and only wished i could have learned to play an instrument when i was younger, i'd be playing somewhere , someplace with somebody for free if i had to, but no, i held onto to being the dodgers power hitting third baseman when i grew up, i really thought i was going to be the dodhggers thrid fucking baseman for 12 years then retire and live in Malibu and blah blah blah , whatever right! so here i am not working and writing about music and my lack of work and saying fuck it to everybody who wants to start some shit with me. I'm really in a great mood just feel like picking a fight with anybody just to try to break a sweat and give myself a pulse today. Greg is back and ready to take on the world once again, putting behind all of my past issues and all of my guilt laden days with sleep deprived endings , all is good and all is nice and tidy, i feel like messing it up though1 WTF! why not . i'm going to get into trouble today i know but its all good, i'm good at being bad and getting out of messes i think

I'm am Soooo out There

Just when I thought I was done shocking and surprising myself and my surroundings, i continue to do so .just when i thought I was out of things to say and write, i am not, just when i thought my mind and typing fingers were taking a rest, they aren't! Oh boy , my suddent burst oif energy ,no thanks to a Rockstar and the upcoming gym visit at lunchtime give me a sudden awareness and something to lookk forward to beyond the texts from my wife and the plans we have for toonight...good times. I have come to realize that Greg duran is a sick fucking fool, some of the thoughts in my head and on my mind would stop a train and at least get me kicked off Facebook in 3 minutes. some of the devilish scenarios played out in my head have even astonished me. My cocky assed arrogance and witty banter and seemingly instant comeback for whatever anybody has to say can be frightening at times. i don't try to be an ass it just happens and people take my intended humor as a slap or a put down but i truly think I'm being funny. Maybe the 4 people on this earth who get my shit and appreciate my bullshit can attest to this, bu the rest of the unsuspecting world is about as clueless as our former part time Governor from Alaska, "Stuck on Stupid" I would like to share some of my gregisms but i fear that the 2 to 3 people who might read this shit would even et offended at m scribe and thought process. I'm thinking my punch first answer questions later could be a manifestation of being the fat kid who always got made fun of in school foor my love of food and fat ass always put me in the front of the bus for the Brunt of fat Jokes. well as the Gregasaurus developed and developed a serious arsenal to be fast and sharp with the tongue( yeah down there too fuckers)ay bring it the fuck on and give me your best diatribe of sophomoric half assed dog shit humor and i can bring you to tears in 23 seconds tops, is this a gift, or is it a chronic ailment which needs a cure and fast? don't know , don't give a fuck, i'm just being me and don't have anymore filters in my life other than to treat my wife, my kids , my family and My God as the Angels that they are! Sounding as a hypocritical trait to be so sharp and so hurting yet claim the fear of God and christianity as my saviour is just that, its an anomoly , when i rant and rave and break somebodys heart with my words, you can eitrher laugh, or get butt hurt, fuck it, the choice is yours. I was driving down the road today behind a bad Asian driver(yeah this never happens) and she was clueless and did not have an idea of wherre she ewwas ,where she was going or how many lanes she was simultaneously occupying, so i thought to myself 'didn't we wipe this fucking race out with a couple of atom bombs some 65 years ago, and what the fuck are we doing letting them in our country and driving on our roads. As bad as that sounded and as racist as it is, i thought , fuck em, fuck em up the ass if they can't drive, or you csant speak fucking english, get the fuck off of my raods and planet mother fuckers. then a calm set in for 22 seconds and then i went off again, fuckem, my dad was a POW ffor 3 and a half years in these mother fuckers prisoncamps in WW2 and i don't need to be driving defensively because Kinjee Kato can't fucking drive. i then followe dthis bad driver into the base, we actually give this mother fucker a job to work here too and we as taxpayers pay this C-word to earn a living. Good christ God, quit fucking with my temporals here. so there in lies the pains and toils of this mind of mine that never rests and never hads holidays. til the next rant and rave and op ed opportunity i will defuse my anger to the lifecycle and and the gym equipment for an hour of blissful sweating and burning. If i could on;ly finish the job in the shower i will be fine, but no offense to Terria she does it straight outta compton and i aint go any complaints, I'm just a sick fuck who needs and wants and desires and gets , but fuck ,coming to work cuts into my pleasure time...as if PHUUUUCK that felt pretty goddamn good . sorry for the mis spellings, i aint fucking spell checking shit

Blah Blah blah

Really got nothing in the tank, no bullets in the chamber and nothing really to talk about. I guess in this case i am spewing noinsense for the sake of spewing nonsensical bullshit. The day started out with me being 2 hours later to work, the really long shower and the fuck this finish , dry off and contemplate calling in disinterested today but figured, whatever I was going to do was not better than going to work. So I'm here, a Mcdonalds coffee and a shitload of equal to sweeten my shit up. The day , this bloody boring assed day is killing my thought process and I'm trying to eek out some good positive thoughts to get me through. after the flooring debacle last night , Terria and i tried to install laminate flooring in the extra bedroom and got 3 rows deep before I said " fuck this fucking shit" Brandon can finish this shit up. couldn;t find the saw, the reciprocal saw had a bent blade and I has to make handcuts with an old fashioned hand saw, like I said, Fuck that shit. So today i might get remotivated and give it another wack, depends on how many gym visits i make today and what kind of energy level i maintain. I went back on Facebook for about 10 minutes lookig for my friend Mona, posted and m,essaged her and no responses as of yet, a little concerned about her and her health right now, the Chemo is not a good time and hopefully she is recovering and feeling better, so i pray for her instead of talking to her. The rest of the world still revolves and nothing really to talk about, all is really going well and trying to keep an even temperament in getting through the initial stages of reconciliation and my therapy to help exlain alot of my pychosis so to speak! So at the risk of spewing and making even less sense than normal i should get to work and do nothing, but this does allow to be at least appear to be doing something via government technology and tools, so i digress to another time and another place, even if earlier this morning and a failed mission in the shower, LMMFAO. Thank God nobody reads this shit , they's understand my need for the shrinkie dink. So I will shut up until something really cool, or really bad happens and then i have something to say or comment, or editorialize , but til then I'm the fuck outta here and there is nobody to kick in the dick and I'm not feeling good about that , miss fuckijg with people

Terrias Goodbye Letter !

Greg,
As you can see I have taken my things and moved them out,don't be angry or upset.This was a very difficult decision for me to make but I do believe its the best. Since May 3, 10:00 pm. there has been much pain,grieving,and overall heartache.
Thank you for allowing me to be part of Brandon's' Life, I know our relationship(his and mine) was strained understandably so there were many adjustments and transitions for all. He has grown to be an incredible young man who I love very much and plan on being there for him any way I can
When it comes to Braz and Ty I'll never be able to tell you how much I appreciate your love, guidance and influence that you have had on their lives. I do realize it was a very difficult situation, there was much to be taken care of. You were there and rose above and beyond,I'll be forever grateful
You and I, I love you and thank for our time together. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your daily life for 12 years, 4 months and 3 days. I carry many fond and dear memories of our life together. I was very proud to be Mrs. Gregory A. Duran, I felt so secure and loved. I was taken care of in a way that I could never have imagined, that will never be taken away from me
May you have much Love, Laughter and happiness in your life ....remember never compromise, you deserve better than that!


"Ever has it been that Love
knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation"

With Love
Terria L. Duran

This is what I read and now you can understand how incredible this woman is to me , in her darkest hour she was still able to show her care ,love and concern for me and my well-being, putting aside her own pain and grief. Thank you very much Terria L. Duran

The Letter

Amidst all of the turmoil and drama that had occurred over the past whatever the fuck time frame it has been, who gives a shit ! I was confronted with so many feelings and emotions that I've never dealt with before, all of which came to me lie a hurricane and blew my stupid as away in a hurry. So I'm sitting there talking to Terria about the day and whats going on blah fuckin blah right. Then she presents me 2 pieces of paper crumbled and folded over, she said this was mine that she had forgotten to give to me a few weeks earlier, i asked what they were ,she said read it! So i started to read it and what confronted me was the deepest most fear filled reading i had ever seen before. It was her goodbye letter to me and it tore me to shreds, here we are a couple weeks back into our marriage and she had this letter in her purse or somewhere and i kinda wished she would have never given it to me, but actually am happy she did. it made me realize how incredibly strong Terria really is, she is a stone wall that was never going to falter, with or without me she was ready to move on into her new life of solitude and strength to survive as a single mother and succeed at doing so! So I'm reading this goodbye letter and losing all composure and she watched me read it line for line, the part that killed me was that she says "She was always Proud to be called Mrs. Greg Duran and that was the hardest single phrase I've ever read in my entire being, what a mess and confused state of affairs I had created, pardon the pun ,but it applies here. I could not believe the letter was so calmly written and directed at all of the positives, not the obvious shitty state i left her in. And here i thought coming back to my empty house with space for my clothes in the closets and empty drawers with not enough clothes to fill them , and i thought that was a bad thing to come home to after memorial day weekend! Damn this letter kicked the ass of that scenario 10 fold i am not kidding! I can hear her calm voice and demeanor as she wrote the letter , and knowing her had her tongue sticking out while writing it in her perfect handwriting and slanted cursive and block writing. I ended the letter in streaming tears and felt a sense of pride to know that she can continue to be Mrs Greg Duran and that i have the eternal strength and commitment of a loving human being who makes no illusions or has No dreams other than being a great wife and mother , and does so every single day. i have never felt more proud of a person in my life as i do for my wife and her efforts to be so forgiving and so loving through everything I put her through,her friends and some family members have advised against her coming back to this marriage and she can only say ,if you only knew how much i love that man and how much he ;loves me back, and how she witnessed the other side of me throughout the entire ordeal and stood up and said" are you OK Greg, i would always say, why do you care, her answer was always, "I will always love you Greg" through the years you have given me and my boys so much that can never be forgotten and i wont" I can not even fathom a life with out this strength and this woman by my side. My detours were not a mistake, it was in fact a detour and it was fun, at the cost of other unhappiness and for that i regret it but to call it a mistake would be wrong, it was the kick start that was needed to fix lives and redirect positivity back into the respective worlds of families and get the shit straight and move on to bigger and better lives where they are supposed to be spent, together! Sometimes our lives are re-directed and changed up a bit and we don't always know why, or how we are to rebound from whatever is thrown at us, this episode in my life was a tumultuous time of uncertainty and pain, all replaced by the calm and the natural humming of a smooth running machine that only God and people who love each other can ever try to explain. Thank you O' wife O' mine for being the strength for the strong and being able to see the cluttered thoughts through the muck and the mire. Never stopped loving you, or being in love with you, just lost sight of the reasons why and the methods in which to show you every minute of every day! To take you own quote and apply it to you "YOU" are Amazing"

Temperament

The thoughts, the dreams, the desires
running so fast i my brain
My egomaniacle tempered mind
always winning the race

I put aside my boastful pride
and rest assured i'm fighting hard
to Kick a person in the jaw
but I'd rather make their ears bleed

Sometimes my lack of simplicity
hardens up my thoughts
I speak of ease and drame free
but its only just a thought

sheltered are the bad ass ways
the fist right through the heart
I've grown so much, yet want to punch
my way out of my own shadow

Why do i save myself
from the indignities of the past
when should i come out swinging
or should i go to the gym for lunch

My anger and frustrations
ever bubbling near the top
where stupidity and obtuse behavior
has broken my abilities to vent

I write, i write and share
i give my views from where i stand
Nobody knows but I care too much
Nobody feels more than this mindful soul

so I speak and i write
I try to convey all that I am
all that i do as just and real
yet i speak to a wall and stare in a mirror-less room

I want answers for questions yet to be asked
I want happiness for a love that has yet to lose its luster
Writing and speaking of all that i have
and all that i have lost

My heart sometimes twitters in anger
sometimes burns in fear
and hurts from too much joy
maybe my therapist can figure it out

Is it my mommy issues
is it my daddys lost representation
could i be the missing link
to whatever page I forgot to read

I'm lost yet I've found
my weather and my sun
to be so inquisitive and spiteful
so spiritual yet too profound

I've found something inside of me
the things that i truly hate
Identified and to be dealt with
so much for me to contemplate

I reached the emotional pinnacle
the point of no returns
I've made my emotional purchases
now I own them and make them work

Tasks

School is out and My wife is free from the daily duties of getting up with me and getting ready to go to school and teach the dumb bunnies, well at least for awhile, she has summer school end of July. we are really looking forward to a drama free and exciting summer. still tossing around the idea of buying a new Crotch rocket for the summertime and start riding the fast motorcycle fast again. My head is not totally wrapped around it yet but i am leaning towards that because I do miss my motorcycle immensely and I do miss the excitement of speed. As for the rest of the summertime we are taking a few trips and a few unplanned events I'm sure, July 16-18 Terria and i are spending our Anniversary in Seattle for the weekend, then in early August we head to Tahoe for a wedding and maybe some golf if there is time. The extra room in the house is painted, Terria and I did that on Fathers day and now await my Son Brandon to install the wood flooring and wall boards and we will be set with a new room for whatever we want to use it for, mainly TV and a relaxation room , but entertained thoughts of buying a ping pong table to entertain myself, we shall see. Things are slowly falling into place and the next project is coming up this weekend with the lawn renovation and re-seeding. Last summer my lawn looked incredible and after the sewer project looked and still looks bad, so i must get my yard looking great again! Still have one last project , which is the garage to remove all unnecessary items and either trash them or sell them, or whatever just need a garage again. Enough of the house projects, I am looking forward to our Thursday counseling meeting with Dr. Morales in the hopes that we can get one step[ closer to some of my issues and deal with things the way i should from here on out! we shall see what that brings us, can't be bad, we have come so far in such a short amount of time and now time and trust will be on the mend and we will grow to even better than before. But not putting the cart before the mule I try to stay positive ,yet realistic in the fact that Time ,which is my most deviant Allie and my lack of patience might try to sabotage any true healing and progress. But i must not give in to my old ways of doing what feels good now and doing what i know i might have to fix later, these things and some spiritual growth will enable me to stay focused on the tasks at hand. Some of my best attributes can also be my biggest detriments in that I am patient with others growth , yet very erratic with my own and my self expectations are ridiculously high and sometimes out of proportion for the tasks at hand, yet the perseverance of self drive can help me to understand the importance of this patience and its importance in my life in regards to my marriage and my life from here on out. There are no guarantees in life and no warranties for anything we do , we have always approached our relationship as a bond of truth, a vow that goes way beyond the typical, we raised our own bar from day one, each of us knowing where we came from and where we were headed together, day1 told us that we would hit turbulance and we would conquer each trip with flying colors, this time is no different , just a different color, for the first time we are stretched and must conform to the task at hand, living, loving and trusting each other like never before, so i can honestly say that my escapade of infidelity has enlightened me, if not belabored the point that I allowed myself and my life to become complacent emotionally and my mind and heart drifted towards unfamiliar ground. This ground was covered in record time and now we digress to closures and solutions of completion and progressions that have never needed to to exist ever before. I honor this challenge and i honor my commitments whatever and wherever they are or were, this one id for real and if i fuck this one up it will forever be on me, my call of ownership and responsibility have never been on higher alert before. I am as good as i was before with my wife, but i want to become better and stronger than before, before allowed me to run away and this time is for keeps and will either kill myself trying or die emotionally for failing! God has blessed me with some incredible Family and an incredible mind and heart in which to share my love and wisdom with as many people that will allow me to, yet i spread myself narrowly thin and give my life, my heart and my soulful being to a select, deserving few! Time will be kind , time will treat us right and this time i will get it right!

Progressions

Today was an incredibly relaxing and productive day. Being fathers day it was destined to be a yawner ,and it kinda was, 3 plus hours of TV golf and an early dinner was damn cool. Days like today make me believe that there really is a reason for everything that happens in life. I look back to a few weeks ago and all seemed to be going so well in some arenas and so badly in others, funny that the predicaments I was dealing with were all created by me and that it seemed that I was ready to accept the cards dealt to me after dealing the initial hand.But as my mantra always covers, never say never and always expect the unexpected to happen in life, especially when dealing with humans and the emotions that follow. This got comically interesting and put me back in a place where I could either get angry, or get moving, I got moving and did an instant 180 degree turn of emotions. I was thrust into a position where I have been many times before in my life, always giving my best and expecting somebody to accept its goodness and embrace it all ,to never let it get away. So here I was taken back by my ego and vanity, not the loss or disillusionment, thinking how bad it was for the other person to have to jump that emotional roller coaster and ride the waves of uncertainty, all in the best judgement of course, yet I was left for a moment to sit back and chuckle at the turn of events. The move was such a good and proper thing to do but my first thought was my ego, my vanity and my pride, laugh as I write this as am a proud man who sometimes misses the most simple of plots and messages left written across my forehead go unread and unfounded. But he messages were loud and clear , and after a couple hours of clarity of spirit ,mind and release pent up guilt in a situation that should have never occurred, which I knew from day one, til the final end! It was a good time and a great experience for me, being guilty of my own selfishness I can say that the past 3 months were a joyous occasion with nary a hiccup and many good times shared, well minus the heartache and heartbreak left scattered behind over a 700 mile stretch. Its all good times and happy ending for all involved and it seems like lifes cruel hands of laughter came raining down upon the funny man with some very poignant life lessons and real life drama that played out in my head and in my life, not on a TV screen, so cool to rebound from the pains and drama and all have returned back to their respective corners in the hopes to fight the fight and give love and life a chance. I'm replaying the days in my head where was the enemy and I was the worst person in my world, the heavy load of guilt and bad choices had made me prove that I was in fact a ma of principle, that pride and ego mean shit when there are no scruples or morality behind it all. I have learned more in the past 3 months about life, love, family and desires that can walk away from it all and be a better person, fighting through my own trust issues of myself I will win this fight, as I have won every fight in my life to date, there is something special about being Greg Duran these days, and forever, there are some serious chinks in my armour that I am mending as we speak, there is so much goodness ahead for me and the life I chose to live will be the life that I boasted about prior to removing myself from its realities of goodness and truth. I was reading some of my writings from earlier in marriage and even earlier during the dating process with my wife Terria, everything read and everything that was written was based on truths and communications of said truths, I planned for a future with solid foundations and open and honest communications of love, expectations, limitations and dedication to self and one another. This Greg Duran still exists and knowing that puts more pressure on my by dedicating and adhering to the things that have always been important to me, Honesty and the ability to freely communicate my feelings and emotions to anybody that matters to me in my life. My detour was not a mistake, it was a necessary evil to insure that my life was taking the proper avenues and not forever detour into something or someplace that is foreign to me. The ship has been saved and the work has been started to put it all back into its proper perspective. My accomplishments speak for themselves and i will not boast of any successes other than I am set and I am straight and those that matter are taken care of properly with no fanfare or grandstanding motions, I as a Christian with solid beliefs and will act upon those beliefs to make my world, my family and my home , the happiest most tranquil place its ever been!

Fathers Day

Wishing all fathers a special day a day where some of us don't have a father to celebrate with but our fond memories of our dads makes this day special nonetheless. Already receive my greetingd s from all of my kids, my brother in law and Terria and hope to enjoy this day witha trp to the gym and then something good to eat and a relaxing day in front of the TV watching my Golf and the US Open . I will write more later on in the day got some interesting thoughts and some really good points to make in regards to living life to the fullest while not trampling over the world to do so. Could be cool! Happy Fathers day to all and may the kids apreciate the dads as much as I did mine when he was alive!

My Constant Love

After all is said and all is done, there is the one constant in my life that never leaves me, never fails me and will never require anything but a plug to play, My Music, man I swear there is nothing better than good music and talented musicians to play, to sing, to perform something ,preferably in a rock form but talent is talent nonetheless. I go back to 30 plus years ago when Robert Nevarez who came over the house tonight and reminded me that we watched Pat Benatar on the my VCR, one of the first produced back then, we listened to Her on the way to school and begged to be near that woman. Well as time and reality set in we all progressed to better and more progressive types of music, with the advent of punk and new wave, then alternative /I was in heaven, ,listening to n on mainstream music was my deal and I fluorished in that scene for sure. The Clash, the Jam, Elvis Costello, the wonderstuff, Billy Bragg and bands like the Replacements were some to name a few that reshaped me as a person, showed me that non mainstream anything is ok and following the leader was not always the best or coolest thing to do in life, so I went that route. /to this day still listen to the old punk and alternative bands and some oldies to get me back into that groove, the newer music is shit to me and pre fab precast cookie cutter music made specifically for the radio and never meant to be heard live and never will sound good without the sound man taking over the concert. The music on my phone, my ipod or my youtube selection all indicate where i am as a person and what i expect from my tnes and fro the people I associate myself with, outside the lines and the box and a ltle bit of free expression to how your difference in life. I can never replace my CD or LP collection which is vast and very eclectic to say the least, but te fact remains that the music that moves me is the music ha mved me as an 11 -21 year old when i was introduced to music by my older sister listening to the commodores and stylistics and earth wind and fire and stevie wonder, dont forget Bobby Goldsboro and Linda Ronstadt, WW , throw in some crowded house and some miltown brothers and you got yourself an orgy of great music that moves my shit like nothing else in life, more than food, sex ,woman or sports, music is second to God and family to me. Good times and good music go hand in hand, loving it !

My

thoughts

I wish I were a simpler man
with fewer thoughts and less to fix
I open up a can of Coke
and open up a can of hope

the memory and the smell
of yesterday's blooming garden
the ripe and pungent fruits of joy
been picked and sent to market

my mind and my heartfelt thoughts
ripping up inside
the whirlwind flows
and nobody knows, where this mind has been

I've played in the sand and on the mountaintop
looking down towards mere mortals
I've blown the fuse
and refuse to lose, this minds place and time

forgiven but never forgotten
my brain in constant flux
I try so hard to please them all
and left myself in the dust

so 've wiped myself off again
and threw myself to wash
my place on earth,my love and hurt
will be engrained as my epitaph

Saturday

It's 72 degrees today on a Saturday nearing noon and the day is amazing as most southern California days go, typical yet incredible that we are so fortunate to live in a place with the weather and the excitement and the goodness all around us. Wake up typical Saturday morning, change and go to the gym with Terria, put in our Hour workout and then call big sister for breakfast meeting somewhere. We have a good long conversation and what plans we have for the weekend. My weekend will consist of Golf, Gym, TV golf and then dinner somewhere ,with a date night planned tonight. I can only think forward to Thursday night and another session with Dr. Morales and the plans to unleash more personal toxicity in the hopes of being healed from whatever it is that I possess??? I enjoy my weekend, but I enjoy the everyday work week as well, the itinerary of having a set schedule and nothing really to have t plan but being a work at 7 am. So the spoiled man who has it all and does some of it all has now taken on the conversation of a new motorcycle again, the itch the feeling. The leather race suit waits in the closet the helmet shine and ready to rock and the tattered for some more action. my leather gloves with one crash in them seem to be ready for more as well. so in my morning discussion ,all started by watching a motorcycle o b and knowing that summer time is here and long days are here and miss the speed and a boost of an adrenaline rush which can never be replaced by car or anything else. So it s Saturday afternoon, I am thinking my friend Nevarez has some softball thing going on somewhere and i assume he might give me a reminder call to get my ass over there to throw the hardball a little before the gang starts playing with the softball. But regardless I've got shit to do starting the extra bedroom today ripping out carpet and painting, then installing flooring and then furniture for the computer/TV room and the kick back area of the house yeah My Boy Ty is earning some extra money and doing the hard stuff , I' just typing and barking out the orders. So until I get creative or have another thought I will sign off , and hope that everybody is great and the day brings good positive thoughts to everybody.... Life, precious life!

My First Visit to the Shrink

Last night was my first night of therapy and was a little odd for me. Here I was sitting in front of a total stranger and giving away my secrets and some vulnerabilities, asked the typical shrinkie dink questions about relationships with parents and family life, blah blah blah. The Dr. Mr Michael Morales ,an older silver haired homeboy who seemed to have his shit really straight and Terria and I were both very comfortable with him and shared our childhoods with him as well as some info about my accident and the affair that I had with Valarie for the previous 3 months! So there we were siting there on the couch answering questions and I really wanted to open up my Pandoras box, get the shit out, tell me about my mommy issues and tell me to say 42 hail marys'. So so quick Saurus, it doesn't work like that. So we opened up a little,sharing some good stories about growing up and he had some really good life examples of his own to illustrate certain points he tried to get across, after calling me Frank, and Craig, I finally corrected him, and then he called me Crank I think but it was all good, he even corrected me for calling him Sir throughout the meeting and I politely said"Yes Michael" We both really did enjoy his methods and calm demeanor and look forward to our weekly Thursday 6 pm sessions. S we both entered this idea of seeing a therapist as a tool to improve upon an already excellent mode of communication and continue to work on the reasons why I strayed from my marriage. The main reason I am consumed by this all is this I want to earn back the lost trust from Terria and the lost faith in myself for putting her and many others through a living hell for 3 months. Never before being a true believer in therapy and the whole idea of sharing your inner most emotions and feelings with a stranger , just never seemed like the thing to do , but this is not for me , it is for Terria and i must figure out how and find out why I was not able to temper my emotions and continue to venture towards an inappropriate relationship with a married woman! So I guess it is for me so that I may resolve the issues and get back the trust from my wife that was lost and get back that swagger that I once possessed. Time will get us there and we have many sessions planned ahead of us. He was able to gather a few really important facts of diagnosis, some of which Terria and I knew i possess. He asked me if i had problems communicating and I chuckled, No Doc, I write, I speak too much and I make people cringe when i open my mouth so"NO", no issues communicating. I'm really fortunate in that I am able to open up my mind and allow somebody else in to help me understand some shit about me that i have had trouble coming to grips with, some of which the infidelity, but more so some of the mindsets that i hold so strong and so bullheaded about. My loving ,caring ,giving side which he termed ans"letting people crap on you" i said yeah , because I'm strong enough to take it and deal with the shit. He made no comment?? S I'm sure next week will bring more answers and he did Praise Terria for being so strong and being so forgiving of my lapse in better judgement, and he was very positive that we were ok, but had a few issues since my accident and the affair that needed to be sorted out. Teria even shared with her how much we communicate on a daily basis and how we share our concerns about everything , always have ! We have both helped each other by being there for one another and i was so amazed that throughout the entire affair, she knew I was hurting with guilt and would always as if needed anything, if I was ok, this from a jilted woman that i was leaving for another,Yeah, the love she displayed then and now is truly mind boggling to me, I ask her why she even bothers and I'm not worthy of such an incredible woman, Right now I truly don't feel that I am, I don't! But through conversation and the love that we know is ever present we move on and we work harder than ever before to move on and move forward to a bigger and better relationship from this day forward. Just 3 weeks ago i was with another woman enjoying an L.A. weekend for 4 days and nights and thought this was my destiny, i guess t was not for me t decide and It has helped shape the man that I am and hope t become as a result of this outcome! I am truly amazed at the fact that over a 6 week span we went through a serious roller coaster ride of emotions, all culminating from my May 3 confessions of this affair that i was having, seems so surreal that we are both back where we started , both working on making our lives whole again and devoting ourselves to the root of our affections our respective spouses. I have no reasons, no excuses or no answers t anything right now and Hope to find some in the near future but realize that the trust bond that I so violently destroyed will take more than words and promises , it will take dedication and actions showing Terria that I am a good man, and the Honest and virtuous man that Terria married 9 years ago. I hope that I can get my wife back, and hope that I can make her as happy as i once did , i do realize that every trip around the block or any golf outing will bring her suspenseful doubt as she has a right to feel. But with the heavy heart of guilt reminding me how I felt before, I trust in m me to seek out the tools and methods to find and mend this broken man into a whole one again. I am harder on myself than anybody can imagine and thats how I live, I figure If I don't raise my own lifes bar and my standards, who will,thats my job and my gig to do so. So the past is the past, to learn and to grow from, but it also haunts me and I want want completion and closure on that Greg Duran that I didn't know or understand, What a roadtrip this was and will be ,I know that the strength I have and the faith in Terria and my God will carry US through this all. Thanks All!

lighten to Mood

Fuck the bullshit time for some levity around here, i do miss the shit spew that i am so good at producing . There was a time when life was too simple and too much fun and being serious especially at work was not an option. Becomming comfortable with life can sometimes be detrimental to the big picture so fuck it all and time to turn it loose a bit! I have been watching alot of my favorite TV which consists of very little these days,2 1/2 men and some discovery channel and the food network. I emailed My Spiritual guru Frank schaeffer this morning in the hopes that he would read and respond to my thank you letter for him being so instrumental in the healing process and getting me back to a good Christian base. I have fallen a few times but always used his teachings to bring me back to solid ground and see the Forest through the trees so to speak. I'm about politically void of any opinions or feeling as the world is still a mess and oil spills and Sarah Palin notwithstanding we now have the Kate Gosselin idiot to add to the fray. My god can there be a more ridiculous person on earth besides her and Sarah P? well maybe the airheads from the view but that's another article altogether. Life is pretty damn good and the therapy session for tonight is highly anticipated and really a good thing waiting to happen for me and Terria. I am not looking forward toi a riot in the streets of LA tonight should the Lakers win the title but hope they win and bring the Celtics to their knees, either way i will be in a session and then take my wife out for a nice dinner somewhere and watch sportcenter afterwards to find the outcome, don't really care too much but since they are the home team ,why not. Thanks to April for the nice text this morning and thanks to my wife for being such a bright ray of sunshine for me even during her difficult times and for believing in me, she never let her Pride or Ego get in the way of the big picture and that we are working on starting officially tonight with a third person in the room, not the good 3 way but a 3 way of substance. god has blessed me with so much and i need to start appreciating it all by actions and not words. again thanks to Frank Schaeffer for being the strength of a weaker man and allowing me to build my strength thru the hopes and prayers of my Lord, thank you so very much!

My Session

Really looking forward to our therapy session tonight, i feel this has been a long time coming and need to feel the freedom to express myself in a venue other than this. I was very nervous about tonights session with the therapist but feel really good about it no and look forward to getting there and unloading my thoughts and feelings in the hopes that there are some answers to my recent behaviors. i have some ideas in my headas to why but i am too close to the situation and am my own worse critic and judge of what is real and what is perceived. I go into tonights session with the openness that i live my life in, the open book mentality and the care -free approach to dealing with things the way they should be dealt with, open and honestly. In my nightly conversation with Terria we discussed what we each ventured to gain from the session and how we would approach the difficult and tough issues, the fact that i was emotionally and physically with somebody else while maintaining the high level of love and admiration for Terria is a tell tale sign that I was not in a good place, yet chose to pursue this with another woman even though my mind and heart were still with my wonderful wife. but we can move on from the trials and tribulations of the hurt and pains left behind by my actions. i have made no illusions to the fact that i allowed myself to fall in love with another woman and fell pretty hard. The facts that the this girl left me twice to go back to her home was not an issue with me, she actually did what i was unable to do, i thought my word to her was more important than the bond to my wife and it proved to be my way out of this relationship and onward to where I am today, a better place where everyday means more than just a weekend getaway and a drive to meet my girl for fun and laughs. The fact that life has taken over and realities are what they really are, Real and must be dealt with. I have heard so many conclusions as to why I did what i did and what I was dealing with in an emotional sense from my girl. When dealing with opposite sides of the track where one relationship was seemingly perfect and the other was broken and in need of repair there was a sense of disconnect there from day one. I feel good about the facts that we can both go back and fix, if not salvage a broken marriage and a perfectly good one as well, either way the trust and deeper seeded issues will be dealt with on my end and will give me a sense of accomplishment when i can look back on the 3 months of my life that will forever re-shape the way i perceive the people that i loved the most, Myself, Greg and to my incredibly perfect wife Terria. This road i believe will be a short one as i did come to some clarifying rational about myself and my inappropriate relationship and will be building towards bigger and better ways of living and a better way to find and maintain the happiness that we strive so hard to find. Tanks to everybody for all of the support and love given my way and will one day look back on this as a part of Gregasaurus folklore to add to my collection of what the fuck what he thinking -isms. so i sit here and laugh,pray and cry in the hopes that tomorrow will be us all the sunshine that we deserve and the rains will water our lawns and make them green while we sleep. if anybody can figure that analogy i wanna hear it! good luck

The Race

I raised my own bar today
much higher than before
My goals ,my dreams are lofty ones
so real and so very close

I slipped away for awhile before
lost my plot and way
I've searched for the eternal bright light
but my dimmer switch was broken

fixing life with broken parts
never really seems to work
Fixing things while relying on others
my recipe gone bad

I filled my bag and ran for cover
my new mindset was conceiled
the days of darkness ran over me
my uneven playing field

A new day and direction
mirrors of reflection
contemplation and a resurrection
tomorrows story waiting for summation

I kicked my world in the ass today
i made myself a bet
I called myself a pussy again
and failed to break a sweat

today and yesterday are laughable
tomorrow but a joke
so i laugh again and try again
to give myself a stroke

I had my cake and threw it up
the richness all too bland
I asked myself for continuity
and a master plan

My thoughts and my prayer book
have been busy through these days
my mind and my heartfelt soul
belittled in a daze

So what has triggered clarity
of clear bright glass not frost
My heart, my soul , my definition of me
rescued from being lost

I give my heart and soul to ME
my lost and battered one
I give u my efforts and my words
to show what i have done

Today is such a special time
healing has begun
my wife, my life, my family
this course that shall be run

So I say goodbye to self destruct
kiss my ass to negativity
unload the truck of hope and joy
and positivity!

The future is upon me now
my mind, my body, my soul
this workout full of painful days
Has given me control

I live ,I like, I love
the place that I have conquered
between my ears and my chest
compromised and suffered

changing and re-arranging
growing and always knowing
Life is short and fleeting
get busy living , or get busy dying!

My Home, My Heart , My mind!

I do so much communicating throughout a given day, i speak, I write and I listen to everything around me, gathering in all pertinent information and act accordingly. The one constant in my life is my ability to communicate clearly, how I feel, what i feel and, how I go about getting there. As my life has essentially returned to normalcy and everyday has become guilt free and goal driven again, I can exhale and breathe in a new life of solidarity to my Wife , my family and the few friends that i have. The Facebook and Twitter farce are long gone and seemed to be a temporary distractor and waste of time when I could be doing this, writing , to myself, for myself and by myself. i have never been one to conform or play by the rules and have never been one to adore the fact of being adored or wanted, i beat to my own drum set and will forever be judged by this standard of being so very different. My heart has been in so many places lately, asking for forgiveness and asking myself so many questions for the drama that i helped create is behind me now and i can rebuild the real Greg and the real portion of my life that i truly adored about myself. the fact that Greg Duran was always a Virtuous man who abided by Gods rules and the golden rule to be respectful of all around him, yet I was never slow to "Kick somebody in the dick" when necessary and give the wrath of reality to anybody who lacked it at any given time. what you see is what you got with the G man ,and slipping away from that person has troubled me so much. So i return to scene of the crime, that deep deep mind and soul of mine, to try to find that lost soul where goodness was the main ingredient. Having my nightly 2 hour Conversation with Terria has really given me an idea of where I've been and where i need to return back to. My momentary lapse in judgement was in fact that ticking time bomb in my soul that has always brewed ever so close to the surface, as each day passes and each conversation flows through me like the rivers waters, i see the clarity of a healed soul around the next bend, i feel the power of my God tapping me on my shoulder and telling me to Stop killing myself with guilt and hatred towards myself! My losses in life are in fact my gains, my bleeding conscience is in fact my healing soul and my tears of sorrow are a cleansing that only i can understand of myself. As i spoke with my wife last night i explained to her that i will no longer apologize for my acts, I will act upon my mistakes with remedies to the future and solutions to fix the broken man that once was so powerful with love and joy and can now return to the scene of the triumphant joys that have embraced his incredible life. Greg Duran is a blessed man who at times is selfish and arrogant,aloof and feels way to good about himself, yet always grounded and always concerned about others and somehow can realize that I am mortal, i make mistakes ands I bleed red blood like the rest of the world. When i cry for myself I cry twice for others , when i die of anger i get angry for everybody Else, the world is my one man campaign against injustices of the heart and the mind, yet this battle i can no longer fight, i have my own battle , it rages between my ears and between the massive chest that i carry with me every day. Oh my goodness, The mind, this mind of Mine is so hard to define, what it is that makes me ME? I've tried to go back and find the roots and origins of some of my true real insecurities and have found a few, to be loved and admired have never been near the top, but to love and admire always have been, i love to be happy and i love to show people that they are special when in fact that they are special, conversely i can also pout down an ass whipping on the Sara Palins of the world who have no idea but their own retarded agendas, these people bother me and i can no longer carry that burden either. To dispel the rumors that i speak and write to hear the sound of my own voice and to relive the arrogance and brilliance that i see in myself through my gift of being able to communicate, i can only say that being intelligent and articulate is not illegal, being able to communicate is not a crime , and having opinions substantiated with evidence is good court Fodder.... case closed, My world is based on my ability to speak, listen and respond, Rinse , wash ,repeat, its all so very cyclical with me and will always be the case in my dealing with life, its problems and it solutions. My mind , my heart and my home are the most crucial thing to making Greg a happier person, i delve in to the depths of my being to try to understand myself so that i may better serve those who love me, need me and depend on that solid mind and heart to get through liefs cruelties. Life is not about being deep, its about digging deeper than we ever have to get through it all in one piece. I have travelled many rocky roads in my life, one failed marriage ,nearly a second failed marriage and kids who couldn't,or wouldn't look me in the eye! all great when you put it into perspective and realize that sometimes guilt is the great equalizer and sometimes makes us realize the answers to the unanswerable questions in our lives! Greg Duran lost his way, Greg Duran found his guilt and with that a new idea of what it tok for him to stray off the path of right versus wrong, but back to a place where he is most comfortable, being cerebral and thinking about the reprocutions of life's actions and having a conscience of things beyond Myself and beyond what is best for me, i live this life in much company and have so many responsibilities to so many more hearts and souls other than my own. taking the bull by the balls and realizing that my life is my own and can and will be whatever i make it out to be. I don't require the outreached hand of guidance, but am wise enough to know that i can without shame reach out and allow my wife, my brothers and my sisters to hug and hold to love and cherish the man and person that i can become for them all. So i reach out now and send my love to those that matter the most, I give myself , all of myself and to never under estimate the power of truth , honesty and the power to communicate it all clearly on a daily basis. I have been blessed and for this i do thank my Lord for giving me a second chance to make the difference that i have blessed with the abilities to give

Emotional Katrina

As i was speaking to wife last night , speaking in metaphor and simile as I usually do I was trying to drive home a very key point. I walked into our bedroom after a second trip to the gym last night feeling tired yet refreshed from a second workout for my aching body. I noticed a somber, yet angry face on my wifes face and asked her if she was OK? She replied, "I don't know" I then heard her fire off a question that nearly floored me,she asked" Are you 100% committed to US"? i responded with , " why would that be in question, i asked u back and here u are, of course I am committed to US! She then began to question the texts and occational call from Valarie and was concerned that this was not healthy for either side to mend the pains and hurt created by our affair. she was concerned that she was not giving each side a chance to heal and work towards closure on us and move forward to work on our respective marriages! My take on it was this , after all of the damage that we had done, and all the rubble we left behind we are having a hard time to hitting the off button of emotions. I put it to her this way, I feel so bad for creating such a stir and hurting so many people on both sides that i almost feel like I was the tornado , or the Katrina storm that came thru and wiped out a city and left a path of destrucxtion behind me. My heart and kind soul tell me to try to fix it al and to go back to the scene and survey the damage that I have created by talking to Valarie and making sure she is committed to her husband and doing what she needs to do to make it work. My wife seems to think it as counter productive to hold on to the feelings still, but i cannot stop caring and loving a person that was so dear to me , even if for a short time it was real and true and I will dispute that til the end. But my caring and concerned side of me does not allow me to walk away stone cold from anyhting i have ever been involved with, I had to re-assure terria that thhere will never be another Greg/Valarie relationship , that ship has sailed and i had my slip from reality happen to me, there is not chance that i woill leave Terria for anybody, never, and if I do it will be as a divorced,, single man ,,never to hurt her again under the guise of a married man cheating on his wife. I know what i walked away from as does Valarie when she chose to go back, but she thanked me for giving her an awareness and the personal tools to work through her marriage and realize that there was so much dysfunction in her marriage and have brought things to the table and can now work on them, conversely I go back to my wife with a table that is set, in order and all i have to do is take away the fears that Greg will ever do this again as a married man. I know that Valarie and I know we cannot ever create this pain to self or family ever again and know that this is a great learning tool for us a individuals to grow, and learn about ourselves so that we can give our spouses the love and attention they deserve, each of our spouses has given up their Pride, their, firends advise ,even their children questioning the taking back of the soiled couple who played and got dirty while watching the worlds behind them crumble, yet they are all strong enough to put that behind them and work towards a better future together. This is very commendable to throw caution to the wind and make an honest attempt to make a mistake into an opportunity for success. I am so damn sorry for the pains I have created and will have a hard time realizing its conclusion, i beat myself up each day over againabout becomming vulnerable and allowing myself to have an inappropriate realtionship with a married woman, To Ed , i do apologize for being a weak individual and thrusting my soul onto your wife so very inapproriately, and to my wife , i have apologized and now must work towards the goal of regaining trust and being the man that she reunited with 12 years ago. As our 9th anniversary approached June 30, i was going to take a trip to my favorite city Seattle Wa. ,I was to go solo and hang out with my homeless friends to give me some perspective on how blessed of a life and existance I have, i was going to actually sleep on the streets for a night and see and share the stories of the homeless and catalogue self evaluate how wonderful my world is in comparison to theirs, I am bless, we are blessed, i just cannoitot turn off my emotions for those that i love, or have loves like a light switch. I care because I can and do it well. God Bless!

The Second Chance

Funny how the curveballs in life keep coming, and i keep hitting them and fouling them off as well. I have been given another opportunity to right the wrongs and find my way in the grand scheme of things. My life has taken so many turns in the past month i don't even know where to start OR where to end, for there never seems to be a beginning or an end to anything I do. My friend has chosen to go back to her husband again and give that a third chance for success. I was unable to walk away from that relationship and was essentially not giving up on her or the relationship until she did so. I knew after the first trial of her going back to her husband that i would get the second pink slip at some point in time, i knew and had as a I always do prepare myself for the outcomes listed in best case to worst case scenarios, thats how i live and breathe, prepared and ready. There was a lot of cleaning up to do , the house and the mortgage were in question without my wife's substantial income to supplement my own, so i sought out alternative ways to be financed and had a plan in effect. After a week had passed i took my soon to be ex wife to breakfast one Saturday morning to try to discuss the inner workings of our demise and pending divorce. At breakfast she did mention the fact that she was concerned about me and knew the previous 3 months were as much a burden on me as they were for her, they were and she was so right as the pains of going to bed each night one day closer to ending a perfect marriage do to Pride and my inability to give her a second chance to take me back in her life as her Husband. Yet i fought the whole reunification thing to the end and was given this thought to myself as i sat across the breakfast table from her. Why did Valarie get 2 chances to walk away from me and how was it that my wife was given none, my pride and ego were standing in the way of the perfect wife, the perfect marriage and she had nothing to do with any of my flaws that i exposed to the world on May 3, 2010, funny how on June 3 it was over and I was left to try to figure out what my game plan for going on was going to be. being a overly strong yet sensitive person has enabled me to understand alot and not put the cart before the horse when it comes to dealing with issues in my life. So getting back to Terria and my taking the opportunity to right the ship and bring her back home to me. I told her looking her dead in the eye, "you know the past 2 1/2 months havent been without pain and bittersweet fortunes for anybody, we had left so much heartfelt devastation behind us and i left a perfectly good marriage to seek out somebody elses love. I can only imagine your hurt and pain ,but to know that you were helpless and faultless in my external search for whatever it was and for whatever reason I chose to move forward with Valarie and secretly fall in love with another woman. I was real, it was true and it did happen and if the guilt would not have gotten to her I would still be with her from a distance and we would still be looking for a future together. but fate and reality stuck their hands in the mix and threw in the guilt and memorabilia necessary for Valarie to make a decision that would impact us both in a seemingly bad way at the time, but have proven to be right and put us both back in the proper contexts of our lifes and our loves for our spouses. I actually surprised myself by allowing Terria to take me back and have her move back into the house. I have an extreme sense of Pride and determination to stick by my guns, but loving her so much and hurting her so much I swallowed My pride and did the right thing for her and put my stupidity of being an egomaniac behind and started real growth for Greg Duran. I apologize wholeheartedly to Ed Caulfield , to Whitney, to Jared and to the family that was affected by this all, this was never my intention to fall in love with somebody Else's;wife and thus move my own wife out and have to bring her back. these life lessons of pain, hurt , lies , deceit will always remind me of the 3 months that got away from my marriage and the time when Greg was a stranger to not only his family, but to himself as a good person, human being and respectful person to somebody elses wife. for this I shake Eds hand for allowing Valarie another opportunity to properly work on their marriage and give each other the love, communication and the hard work that a marriage truly deserves. As for me I can only thank My Lord who kept me grounded if not stronger than i should have been, i was trying to do the right things in a wrong situation , i know through conversations with Valarie that we could have and would have worked well together and that the love we shared was so real and was not some cheap, fly by night fling that everybody says it was, there were magical moments, and there was talks of everyday, but goddammit we went about the magic the wrong way at the wrong time and always said so even when things were strong and going well for us. i know sometimes in life we get another chance to fix a broken part of ourselves, this time we have a chance to fix 2 broken up families dealing with the same thing at the same time. I have shared with Valarie how sad it is that we at this time cannot maintain a friendship with each other and at least communicate to see how the other is progressing on the roads to recovery! time is our enemy, i will always take a piece of Valarie with me as will she from me, but the common thread from here on out is the respect for our spouses and the knowledge of where we put them both emotionally and spiritually because of our selfish act to implode our love at the expense of so many was so wrong and we each paid the price, i hope that Whitney will oneday look back at this and realize how childish her acts were and still are , I'm very blessed that all of my broken fences have been mended and cleaned up properly. I will try to persuade my Terria to give me the latitude to at least check on Valaries' life and make sure she is doing well and on the right track, but understand the harship she would have if she did not want me to give a shit. as i told her, I will always Love My Valarie, even though she was not mine to love, as a friend, a lover of Baseball and sports and even as a good accepetor of my shit spewing crap that i am so good at talking. how here reality TV blows and how Fergie Really is a Cunt and that all that matters is not online or on TV, its in the hearts and souls that we shared for 3 months together and how we must give our spouses our hearts and souls back to them by showing them everyday how much we love them, even if denouncing our love that we had for each other. as we said earlier today, i will always Love you Valarie and you will always love your Greg Duran, so go out and Make Ed the happiest he's ever been and make sure he does the same for you. I am in the best place I've ever been Valarie Caulfield and want you to free yourself from any pains that we caused, therapy and guidance and the communication that you and Ed, me and Terria will never allow this to happen ever again . I wanna check in for the sole purpose of making sure you are happy and giving Ed all he deserves. and please Forget outside opinion, they have no right to dictate right from wrong,I love you u Valarie and i love the fact that Ed has you in his arms at night, back where you should have never strayed from, but this time you are bigger, better, stronger as a result of our Hiccup, love you, bye for Now, not forever,i'm watching you two closely . We have to earn their trust so they let us check in on each other, my heart and soul tells me that you will work thru this all and be better than u ever have been before. I am so blessed to have Terria and she will be allowed to read this as well if she so chooses. our platform is solid, i am working on repairing my chipped and tattered pillars of strength. i am a strong man but the walls of reality are sometimes too much to hold up forever, even the Strong are weak at times, my Terria solidifies that strength with her love , compassion and understanding of life ,love and the heart that i trampled upon, is the Heart that was left open for me to take again.Amazing !!! Now go get it done!!