I can feel the presence around my neck
the albatross flown across my bow
the deepest thought i have today
Is a world of flux I'm sorting through
Pressures I apply around my wrist
Rememberance of strength and virtue
realities of my daily cleansing
to never forget the dirt driven roads
My sanity and my self made soul
to never allow an outstretched hand
to save me from my own train wreck
My conductor is a switch mans dream
the faith I've held forever high
temporarily had gone awry
this stubborn man with so much Pride
to face the truth that I am flawed
I read my book and my story tells
A certain path and a swollen brain
Thoughts and dreams of something else
Somewhere else and nobody knows
I paint my Pollock with my words
scattered ,splattered and tattered canvas
the world, the life I praise to live
The tank is empty with nothing left to give
The soul and spirit are on the mend
This vacation that I must soon end
I break away and break on through
The days are numbered as I search for more
Desperate and diligent searches
Prayer books and crowded churches
know not this man who has cried at night
who falls asleep with a phone by his side
I speak and share my worldly passions
I write and carry my deepest depressions
my lifes in limbo in hope I trust
my hands do tremble my feelings burst
The shock and clarity of yesterday
bring me closer to my bottom line
what will be and what will result
This ownership of the world I dropped
The hammer has beaten its last stroke
Its numb inside and feel no more pain
I see the smiles and hear the laughs
revolutions have slowed and I can see again
Today, tomorrow and henceforth when
I meet my maker and begin to thrive
this worldly shit is just a charade
the cost of loving so very high
I wrote this reflecting on my ability,or lack thereof the give myself credit where due and to kick my own ass when needed. The thoughts of my Friend Brad come into play when he would always tell me about my full plate of everything I have ever had, ,the family, the wife, the home and toys the great personality and how everybody apparently loves me and how much i bring to my group of true friends. I didn't really understand him, i always felt like i was just a drifter, without many friends , without varying interests in anything or anybody just a free flowing soul that beat to his own drum and never wavered from my true beleifs of what it means to be Greg, or be a man a father, a husband and a friend. all standards i set were my own yet i go back to the one thought of those standards, i set them so high that I can never attain that which i set as the standards for success and failure, sio in a sense I set myself up to fail. My goals have always been state of mind, not things, things are all replaceable, who i am is a constant that needs tweaking all of the time. I feel guilty for having the perfect everything , yet I am so fucking Imperfect and am never going to be deserving of any of this. The term raising the bar is another Greg-ism that always gets used and I am the biggest offender of never reaching that bar, the bar realy doesnt exsist for me anymore I've totally lost my plot in the search for whatever the fuck it is i am trying to find, is it a whom, or where or what , or a new something or other or the the coonstant state of searching that makes me whole???? Goddamit i give myself a headache but i will die trying to figure it out. Yeah this mind needs a vacation that it will never take and does require some massaging which I will never allow to be given. so i either fix my own shit or it don't get fixed. everything I've ever done has had a cost to it, either somebodys feelings, my own feelings or the simple fact that whatever it was It did affected somebody somewhere I know. I once again go to a line from maybe my favorite song done by the Wonderstuff "Circle-squared" "I've been a lifetime disappointment to myself, and it hits like a hammer when I'm after someone else, and this circle doesnt fit into its square" This line best describes how i feel about myself on most days, never able to find, or reach my plateau.... very sad!!!
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