Evolution

feeling a little bit sluggish today, not from lack of sleep thats for sure. Have a sessio tonight and really looking forward to that and wish i were on the couch as i speak, getting shit out and trying to get the answers I so desperately search for. Last night was interesting, watching my 2 1/2 men dvds with terria til dinner was discusse, we headed to Montezumas , ate half a burrito and felt like shit. Came home watched more DVD and then listened to music , got a call from Brandon from thousand oaks ,playing kissy face with a girl and his motorcycle headlight wasnt working , so I hopped in the truck at 10pm and headed for the 30 minute drive with my ramp and tie downs to load the truck with his bike and bring him home. I did and we headed home talking about his evening and his friends and really just enjoying hanging out with my oldest boy. Told him i was running the idea of a New R1 by Terria and Terria wasn't really in the mood to talk about it yet, nor was i and i could hear robert Nevarez's voice in my head as he sat o my couch the other night"Gregorio,stay away from the motorcycle, you don't need that " I laughed and chuckled and really wanted it even more! I'm still on the fence about that but have other issues to tackle before thinking about getting onthe back roads again, it is summer and it is prime time to do so. I was dusting off my leather suit and my jackets the other day and felt a little sad. So another saurus thing to think about on am already fiull plate of lifes goodness, oh well , could be worse, i could be broke and have a 300 credit score and be hating life but that aint the case so i will quit my bitch whining and man up about the project. I have been trying to find a concert to go to for awhile now, no theory of a deadman anywhere, 3rd eye blind,Billy Bragg or Marshall Crenshaw, Terria was asking about Marshall Crenshaw the other day and he aint playing anywhere, might go see Crowded House at the Nokia in August but haate the larger venues but i guess we will see about that. anyway i miss my music, and I miss my live music even more. Other than that very little going on but life itself, things are flowing very smoothly which always concerns me, i like to have to workk a little harder at shit but can't complain the way things are evolving naturally for me. I am feeling good about my evolution towards the Greg of yesterday and really am trying to understand what is making me work or not work well these days. i have no real qualms about anything just some of the uncertainities of my everyday and my past ventures and why i have been so many different places with so many different peole kind of troubles me, some sort of insecurity form a childhood neglect I'm sure but it will all rise to the top. Until then i must write and must communicate my thoughts and feelings to my self and my wife and hope we can work through the cloudiness of my past which has in fact affected my everyday. Being such a cerebral person and never allowing the mind to take a day off, ever, i really need to focus in on allowing myself some leeway to heal and to pprocess all that i have been through in the past year or so and try to re organize my thoughts and my priorities put myself off to the side and jump into the fray by allowing others to do for me and give to me and not have to be the focal point of the universe, that might be hard for me but it might just work??? I am in a constant state of evolution and need this to keep my mind, my soul and body somewhat grounded i,f not stable, instability breed stability with me and getting comforatble is never an option . Terria has been an all Star throughout this whole time and has been much too supportive and me not deserving of this for all that I put her through. i keep her leetr to me in my hand to remind me how strong she is and that i don't always have to be stromng and I can open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and allow others closer to me to give and sit back and allow it all to hgappen. today is the first day for the rest of my exsistance as a whole man who loves, gives, crys and bleeds for all that matters in life....Love of God and family, friends and being a good person to everybody, even those who try to hurt you and try to bring you down, i can and have risen above all pettiness and can and will be a better person to whomever allows me close enough to do so, I too shall try the same!